


Mangle Your Mind

by dsa_archivist



Category: Velvet Goldmine, due South
Genre: Crossover, Drama, Humor, M/M, Romance, Series, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-11-14
Updated: 2002-11-14
Packaged: 2018-11-11 06:32:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 31,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11142825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dsa_archivist/pseuds/dsa_archivist
Summary: A peak at Ray Kowalski's past reveals something Wild.





	Mangle Your Mind

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Speranza, the archivist: this story was once archived at [Due South Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Due_South_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Due South Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/duesoutharchive).

  
Mangle Your Mind

## Mangle Your Mind

by Snowee

Author's website: http://snowee.50megs.com

Disclaimer: Due South belongs to Alliance. Velvet Goldmine belongs to Miramax. The rest is mine.

Author's Notes: I'd like to do something to Anything's ass, but I can't decide if it's kiss it or kick it. I blame her.

Story Notes: Crossover with 'Velvet Goldmine' - a film by Todd Haynes

This story is a sequel to: 1st in series 

* * *

Chapter 1  
Stanley Raymond Kowalski lay in bed staring at the love of his life, Stella. Beautiful and peaceful, she wore one of his white tees. In the light clothing with her beautiful blonde hair and pale skin, he felt the presence of an angel. 

Perhaps that was what was bothering him. 

Stella had long feathered hair and striking eyes. He could look at her and see porcelain skin and long eyelashes with a smile he'd bring the moon to, plus she was smart. Brilliant, he could say if pressed. She was a law student with a bright future, rich parents, and the best upbringing. 

He, on the other hand, was a college dropout who was waiting to get into the police academy and preferred the comfort of an old t-shirt to the suits she would be working with every day. 

Despite all that, she loved him. Laying there, he could only ask himself why. Why would she love a mess like him and why exactly did he love perfection like her? 

Sitting up slowly, he tried not to disturb her as he went into the kitchen. A place for everything and everything in its place, Stella had already washed their dinner dishes. The fact that she left them in the drying rack begging for spots just showed that maybe he was rubbing off on her. He put them in the cupboard quietly, knowing that if he didn't, she would, and since it was his place he didn't want her to feel obliged. 

It would be their place soon enough, but not yet. Part of him was grateful for that, for the lingering freedom. The ring on her finger meant she'd said yes, another 'why' he couldn't fathom, but the fact that they hadn't set a date meant he could maintain some peace of mind. 

Ray moved to the coffeemaker and opened the cupboard above it. Placing a filter in its place and opening the coffee can, he started to measure scoops into the coffee maker. Stella's coffeemaker. Technically it was his now, but she'd bought it so that she could have freshly brewed coffee when she stayed over. He didn't care about coffee. If he needed caffeine, he'd stop at McDonald's and buy a cup. 

Pouring water into the reservoir, he looked around the apartment. She'd actually purchased several things for her own convenience, making his apartment void of the bachelor pad look he'd worked to create. A fruit basket hung over the counter and the fruit in it was actually mostly fresh. No black bananas or wrinkled apples sat in it, but he didn't miss that. 

What he missed was being on top of things. He was the coolest and most fun, but Stella had taught him to be more mature than that. He used to be relaxed, but she taught him about responsibility. Not that those were bad things, it's just that his freedom got lost along the way. 

He heard footsteps moving toward the kitchen, but didn't turn. Smiling he felt her gentle arms slip around him. The sound of the coffee percolating filled the room with sound until he turned in her arms and embraced her. "Good morning," he breathed. 

"Morning," she said, giving him that smile he enjoyed. She let go to brush back her hair before putting her arm around again and hugging him close. Ray closed his eyes and held her close also, then kissed her forehead. She lifted her chin so that he could kiss her lips and as he soaked her in, he rubbed her back and licked her lower lip. 

Stella moaned very softly, his only awareness in the vibration on his mouth. He heard her breathing through her nose, it quickening ever so slightly. He knew and could predict her every movement, her every breath as she took in a deep one and ran her hand through his blonde hair. 

Ray stepped toward her with one leg, turning her back against the counter and pressing his body against hers until she sucked in deep and moaned. Their lips fought to part as she pulled back and breathily pronounced his name. "Ray." 

He met her gaze steadily, watching her as she smoothly moved to take his hand, then turned toward the bedroom. Ray didn't move, letting only his arm follow until she turned back, the question in her eyes. It was then he moved to her and put his arms around her again, their clasped hands behind her back. He kissed her deeply on the lips, pushing her upper body back before licking at her cheek and kissing it. "Let's do it here," he suggested quietly. 

Moving her arm from behind herself and squeezing his hand, she smiled vaguely. "The bedroom..." 

He nodded meekly. "It's just that," he began, but she quickly had a response. 

"I know, Ray. It's a really sexy idea, but we've talked about it before. My shoulder blades dig into the linoleum." She felt the passion slipping away as she let out a breath. 

He moved his chin forward slightly and licked his lips. He knew just suggesting it would be taking a chance. "Well, you know, if you were on top..." 

Stella moved back, letting go of his hand as he grasped, reluctant to let go. Brushing her hair back on both sides, she sighed. 

"I'm sorry," he said quickly. 

"No, it's just - you know I'm not comfortable with that." 

He nodded emphatically. "I know, I know," he breathed, looking at the floor. "I didn't mean..." Ray stepped up to her again and grabbed her quickly, showing her what he did mean as he pressed his lips to hers, held her body close, and walked her to the bedroom. 

* * *

Ray twisted his tongue in his mouth, playing with it mindlessly as he watched Stella's body resting against his, breathing quickly, but slowly catching her breath. It was safe and easy when they were together. He'd known her forever, it seemed, and even when she was 12 he knew she was smart and beautiful and...

...Perfect. 

Sitting up slowly, Ray moved with caution, his body still worn out. "I'll bring you some coffee," he offered. 

Stella nodded, giving him a smile of appreciation. 

In the kitchen again, Ray took a deep breath, calming the reactions of his body while he poured her a cup. As he opened the sugar dish, another of her minor improvements, he heard her moving in the bedroom. He put in a teaspoon to sweeten as he heard the water in the bathroom turning on. Carrying the steaming brew into the bathroom, he set it on the counter and turned to face the shower. "Will I see you after classes today?" 

Stella's head poked from the shower. "It's Thursday, Ray," she said. 

He stared at her and shrugged. 

She leaned forward slightly, her eyebrows raised as she reminded him. "We have dinner with our parents tonight to set a date for the wedding?" 

Ray nodded as he remembered. "Right." 

Moving back into the shower, he watched her silhouette move under the water, her hands helping to wet her hair. "Don't forget about the appointment today. Make sure they cut it short," she suggested. "It's getting a little long again." 

Ray turned back to the mirror and looked at his blonde locks. Maybe it was slightly long, but he liked it that way. First, his overbearing mother had controlled his haircuts and his outfits, but now Stella seemed to be taking the job. He suspected the only reason she let him get away with what he wore was that he no longer had any desire to wear a too tight green sweater and flared pants that made his legs look disproportionately long. Hey, that was the fashion then, but his mom still stuck him in button up shirts and preppie pants. 

Frowning, he picked up a brush and brushed his hair, shrugging as he turned. "Coffee's on the counter," he commented as he left the bathroom. 

Chapter 2  
Long gone by the time Ray sat down to a bowl of cereal, Stella's smell lingered in the apartment. Her aura was melding into the place so that even when she wasn't there, he still felt her. 

The sound of a garbage truck grew louder outside until he heard it pull up under his window. Letting out a breath, he set down the morning paper and glanced at his watch. He figured fifteen more minutes before he had to leave. He was taking his friend to the airport and for a brief moment, he entertained the idea of leaving this place himself. 

No matter how many times he told himself he loved Stella and her perfections, he knew that he simply didn't measure up. A million times he'd tried to convince himself that the changes she made, the things she left, and her essence were enough, but it had never felt right. Something was missing; something important enough to make him second guess everything. 

Moving to leave the bowl in the sink, he swallowed the last of the milk before setting it in. Ray brushed his hands over his pants and finished his cup of coffee, then went into the bedroom to put on socks and black boots. He went to the bathroom and as he washed his hands, he took another look in the mirror. His blue eyes with a hint of green caught his attention just a moment before he brushed his hand through his soft hair again. A haircut? Why? 

Shrugging, he left the bathroom then the apartment. Ray climbed into his run down navy blue pinto and slapped the steering wheel when it didn't start immediately. Apparently the car felt the threat, starting on his next try and idling roughly before he pulled out. 

Before the airport was Stella's stop. He pulled up to the barber and hopped out. She'd made the appointment for him, but as he stood before the window, he caught the reflection of a record shop from the corner of his eye. Turning around, he looked at it carefully. He'd never noticed the place before, but it also appeared to be new. 

Crossing the street, the haircut was forgotten. Ray went into the shop and looked at the slew of posters and racks of albums. He took the time to finger through memories as he glanced at albums he'd wanted to own in his youth. He'd been forced to settle for going to his buddy's house and listening to them there, his mother refusing to let that "trash" into her house. 

Jimmy's mom was cool, in Ray's words. She let him wear the clothes and listen to the albums as long as he earned the money to buy them himself. Ray thought he would miss his friend most of the summer as he mowed lawns and picked weeds to get what he wanted. Instead, Jimmy had offered to let him in on the deal, but Barbara Kowalski, supportive of the work, said he'd have to save every penny for college. She wouldn't let him waste it on frivolous expenses, she explained. 

So Jimmy and Ray mowed lawns together through the summer and afterwards, Jimmy let Ray use his shower so they'd be clean as they sat around his bedroom listening to music and talking about bands, gossip, and surprisingly little about girls. Ray always assumed it was because Jimmy didn't want to hear about Stella, but last year Jimmy revealed other reasons for his aversion to women. 

Ray didn't care. He didn't understand it, personally, but he didn't care. Yet now as he looked at the albums they'd listened to together, biding his time until he would be picking up Jimmy for a drive to the airport, he remembered those teenage talks, complete with angst and all. 

Tempted to buy one of those albums and take it home to reminisce, he finally decided against it. When he left, he made note of the place, glanced at the barber, then got back in his car and drove to Jimmy's building. 

* * *

"I'll be sure to come back for the wedding," Jimmy said as he slung his black carryon over his shoulder. "Just let me know when you set a date."

"Will do," Ray replied as he patted his friend on the back. Jimmy grinned and Ray flashed him the boyish smile that had lasted into adulthood, dimples and all. 

He watched Jimmy walk through the doors at the gate before he sat in the waiting chairs and watched the tarmac for other planes taxiing in and out. Eventually they closed the doors and the plane began to move. 

Sitting there, Ray thought of Jimmy's freedom. He was moving to Seattle where he would start a new job and a new life. Ray, who wasn't unfamiliar with a fresh start, thought of his comfortable life and wondered what it would be like. He was ten when his family moved from Albany, New York to Chicago. It took him two years to find Stella and another year after that before he was close enough with Jimmy to confide secrets. Jimmy and Stella had been just about his only friends that whole time and their loyalty was something he had been grateful for. 

Now he wondered what starting again would be like. The politics of ten year olds had made it difficult to fit in; especially for a kid in button down shirts and black rimmed glasses. Now he could just go somewhere and start again and it would be easy, just like it was going to be for Jimmy. 

Yet, Ray had made too many commitments. He had proposed to Stella and the acceptance letter to the academy was still sitting with the mail in the wall hutch. He couldn't leave now. He couldn't leave ever now that the rest of his life was planned. 

"Announcing pre-boarding of flight 1138 to Albany. Passengers with small children and those needing assistance my begin boarding," came the friendly announcement. 

Albany. Ray sat up straight and looked at the board. Albany, New York. He hardly remembered the place, but it had been nearly fifteen years. Standing, he reached into his back pocket and produced a leather tri-fold wallet. His favourite wallet had been cruelly snatched from him on the premise that it was old and worn out. Loved, he preferred to call it, but as he opened the new one and glanced at the picture of Stella she had put inside, he fingered behind the pocket to see his credit card. 

Pursing his lips, he pondered only a moment longer before going to the counter. "I want to go to Albany," he announced. 

The woman smiled graciously and pointed toward the large hallway. "You'll have to go to the ticket counter. I can only do check-ins here." 

Ray nodded and turned, following her directions, then down to the main floor where the airline counters were. He stood in a short line before placing his wallet on the counter. "I want to go to Albany," he said. 

A tall, thin man in the airline uniform clicked away. "When would you like to leave?" 

"There's a flight boarding now," Ray said, knowing that if he took a moment to think about this, he wouldn't go. 

The man clicked again. "I'm sorry, sir. That flight is completely booked. The passengers have checked in and the spare seats appear to have standby customers waiting." He looked at Ray's deflated expression and clicked again. "There is a flight to New York City leaving in half an hour with two seats left. You could rent a car and be in Albany by..." 

"I'll take it," Ray jumped, pulling out the rectangular piece of plastic and dropping it on the counter. 

The man took it and started to work. "Round trip or one way?" 

"One way," Ray stated. He didn't know when he'd be back. 

"Name?" He asked for Ray's information and Ray recited it blindly, thinking instead of New York. Yeah, screw Albany. He spent ten years there that weren't particularly memorable. It was the big city he'd always lusted after. The excitement and wildness - the precise freedom he was seeking out - resided there. He didn't think about how far the credit card would get him. It hardly seemed to matter. He was free and the thought was invigorating. 

Chapter 3  
Stella knocked on the apartment door and waited again, looking impatiently at her watch. Finally, she reached into her purse and dug around until she could produce the spare key he'd given her. Unlocking it in frustration, she pushed the door open. Walking around the place, she called for him. "Ray? Ray, where are you? What are you doing? I had to search to find my key and..." she stopped short at the bedroom door, staring at the open bathroom. The phone rang and she nearly leaped to it. Grabbing it up, she was breathless. "Ray?" she asked immediately, drenched in concern. 'Why would he be calling his own phone?' 

"No, it's Damian," the voice said, confused. 

"Oh, I'm sorry," Stella said quickly. 

"Ray isn't home?" he asked. 

Stella cleared her throat. "No." 

"Oh. I thought we were having dinner." 

"We are, we are," Stella said, trying to calm herself. "He's just not here. Perhaps he already left for the restaurant." 

"Oh," Damian replied. "Oh, well, we just called to say that it appears we'll be a little late," he explained. "I guess we'll just see you kids when we get there." 

"Yes, sir," Stella responded. 

* * *

Ray spent the flight figuring out what he would do for funds. His card would get him some food and a couple taxi rides if he was creative, but hotels were out of the question. Still, if he was tired enough, he could sleep anywhere so he concluded that's where he'd sleep - anyplace he could find.

He looked at his clothes and grinned vaguely. Surely he could conjure up enough for clothes, but it wasn't important. Clothes, food, and sleeping were not the reasons he was here. 

Passing phone booths in the airport, Ray pondered making a phone call, but looked at his watch and knew he wouldn't get an answer anyway. He left the airport and took a cab downtown. 

* * *

"I... I don't know where he is," Stella admitted after stalling her parents and his for over an hour. "I reminded him this morning he should... he really should be here," she said insistently.

Stella's mother put her hand on her daughter's shoulder, trying to comfort in a cold formality. Barbara looked at her watch again. As Damian waved the waiter away once more, he let out a breath. Ray's parents seemed disappointed, but could offer no excuse. 

Finally, they left Stella alone with her parents, explaining apologetically that things would work out and they'd meet another time. Stella nodded and thanked them, waiting until they were gone before taking the napkin from her lap and dropping it on the table. A frown tugged at her lips and made her face sag. 

"I'm sure he just got caught up. You said he was taking a friend to the airport. Perhaps there was a problem," he mother attempted in way of reassurance. 

Stella brushed her hair back and sniffed. "I just can't believe he would do this to me. It's not like Ray." 

"Well, he isn't always dependable," her father said. 

Looking at him harshly, Stella stiffened. "He is. He's always dependable. I know you don't like him, Daddy, but he is and he loves me. I don't know why you can't be supportive." 

"Supportive? Supportive of what? He isn't even here." 

Stella stood angrily. "Maybe you're the reason why," she snapped as she stormed from the restaurant. 

Chapter 4  
Ray chewed his tongue as he stared at the pay phone. A long distance call would cost a fortune and he wasn't sure he wanted anyone to know where he was. Pushing aside the fleeting thought, he listened to the pounding beat coming from behind him. Turning, he looked at the neon lights of the club and went inside. He took in the view of a bar, tables, and wild dancing before stepping up to the bar to order a beer. 

The moment he walked into the bar, Curt noticed him. He carried himself with such expression that Curt couldn't resist. It wasn't just the wanting that made him notice, though, it was how out of place he looked. His blonde hair looked soft and precious, his emotional eyes fixated as he sucked on the beer bottle. Curt stopped his bouncing and moved off the dance floor, taking his time to observe the newcomer. He wiped his sweaty bleach blonde hair from his face. The man he watched sucked on that beer with a jaw and lips that Curt knew would drive him wild. 

His head tipped back and the beer slowly drained now as Curt made his way around the room. He stepped up beside the figure and waved to the bar tender. "Two more," he said, waving at the empty on the bar. 

Ray turned, surprised by the order. "You didn't have to..." 

"I wanted to," Curt said smoothly, lighting a cigarette. 

"Well, thanks," Ray replied, turning back to the empty bottle and picking at the label. 

The bartender returned and put two beers before them, waiting as Curt paid him. He left and Curt watched as Ray drank some of the beer hungrily, but didn't look at Curt again. When Ray set the brown bottle down, Curt put his hand palm down on the bar in front of him. Ray turned his gaze. "Thanks," he said again. 

"Is that the best you can do?" Curt asked. 

Furrowing his brow, Ray stared. Curt switched the smoke and held out his hand. "Curt," he introduced. "It'll be a lot easier to carry on a conversation if we have names," he suggested. 

Ray smiled a little. 'Oh, those dimples,' Curt thought, his head rushing. "Ray," he finally said. 

Curt smiled broadly, showing his teeth to his new companion. Ray felt uncomfortable and moved back slightly. Curt chuckled. "I don't bite," he said. Ray sensed that he was being foolish so he tried to look casual by drinking the beer again. "At least, not unless you ask," Curt added. 

The words fell from his mouth as Ray spewed half his beer across the bar, some of it hitting Curt. Laughing, Curt set his cigarette in an ashtray before reaching for a napkin as Ray covered his mouth. Ray stood quickly. "Uh, thanks for the, uh, beer," he said quickly, backing away. 

Moving quickly, Curt stepped up to Ray. "Did I say something wrong?" he asked. 

"I'm not... I'm not..." Ray stuttered. 

Curt gave Ray an understanding nod and covered his own tracks as quickly as possible. "It was a joke," he said, elbowing him. "Just a joke." 

Blushing slightly, Ray took a breath. "Oh," he responded sheepishly. 

Curt's eyes narrowed slightly as he took in the figure. Somehow he'd been deceived by him, but he could feel that it wasn't a lost cause. "I'll buy you another beer," Curt offered. 

Ray raised his eyebrows. "You don't need to. It was my mistake." He paused. "I'll buy you one." 

Curt grinned again and nodded emphatically, moving back to the bar. He kept the smile halfway through his next beer. He sat at a stool beside the one Ray had taken possession of and watched him drink it. He could only tear his eyes away when Ray looked away. Ray's third beer was gone before Curt finished his. Turning, he watched Curt a moment, taking notice of his eyes. They were blue, but Ray was suddenly aware that something made them dark. There was a pain there that Curt hid with long hair and a boyish attitude. 

Ray cleared his throat, feeling the fast effects of three beers swallowed far to quickly. "Why'd you buy me that beer?" he asked suddenly. 

Looking surprised only a moment, Curt leaned against the bar. "When you came in you looked," he paused, obviously searching for the word as Ray looked pensively at the countertop. "Lost." 

As he let out a long breath, Ray nodded slowly. "Not exactly lost." 

"Found, maybe?" Curt asked, getting an immediate look from Ray. "Or trying to find something? Someone?" 

Shrugging, Ray blinked hard. As everything blurred a moment, he had to concentrate. "Found something," he mumbled, trying to make sense. 

"Found me," Curt said, smiling as he could see Ray's head tilt slightly. He only imagined his head could be swimming so he stood and moved his body close to Ray. "Where are you staying? I'll walk you home." 

Ray shrugged. "Central Park." 

Curt stood a moment. "Excuse me?" 

"I was just going to sleep on a bench until someone told me to beat it," he explained, trying to stand but instead falling against the bar. He brought a hand to his head and shook it off, steadying himself and backing away from the hands he realized Curt had put out to steady him. "Don't worry about me. I'll be fine." 

"You'll be mugged by morning," Curt responded. "Come on. I know a place." Ray looked at him skeptically. Curt chuckled reassuringly. "Come on," he insisted. "It isn't far." 

Obediently, Ray followed him out, the fresh cool air brushing his face as soon as he stepped outside. It was a blast that allowed him to take a deep breath and let the alcohol begin to run its course. Curt moved past him and hailed a cab. Once he managed to get one, he ushered Ray inside and moved in beside him. Ray leaned his head back, barely conscious as Curt rattled off an address. His mind couldn't comprehend any of what was going on as Curt shoved him. 

Reaching into Ray's back pocket, Curt forcefully removed Ray's wallet and opened it. He pulled out a couple bills before staring at Ray. "This all you got?" he asked. 

Ray glanced at him, thought, then nodded. "Spent the rest on beer," he murmured. 

"Fuck," Curt breathed, wrinkling them in his hand and tossing the wallet at Ray before reaching into his own pocket to retrieve money. He counted the bills and straightened them, stopping a moment to push back his hair. When the cab stopped, he handed the small stack to the cabbie and tugged Ray out as quickly as he could. 

The cab driver cursed his lack of tip and drove off as Curt flipped up his middle finger in the cab's direction before turning toward the red brick building in the rundown neighbourhood. Ray followed Curt inside and up the endless steps until Curt slid open the warehouse door to the converted loft. Without being given a moment to take notice of the place, Ray was guided inside, the door sliding and slamming shut behind him. He was pushed into a yellow and tan oversized chair; old, but oddly comfortable. The position he had landed in was on the edge of the seat so when he leaned back, his head rested comfortably reclined on the back of the chair. 

He closed his eyes and listened to Curt move around for a moment before Ray opened his mouth, taking in a loud breath of air. "Where are we?" 

"My place. Don't worry. Plenty of room and space," Curt responded. 

Ray nodded lightly, the act sending his head off into space once more. It took all of his energy to put his arms up on the arm rests, but just after he did, he felt something. He wasn't sure what it was, but he knew he had to convince himself to find out. 

Curt watched Ray move his arms to the arm rest just as he was walking up to him, removing his shirt in the process. He watched the being in his chair only a second longer before stepping close and kneeling over Ray. He straddled him in the chair, an instant later running his hands up Ray's chest. Ray's eyes opened, staring blankly as Curt held both sides of his neck and kissed him. Artfully, Curt moved his lips against Ray's while Ray half lay there. Curt could feel when Ray closed his eyes, the same moment Ray's lips moved, accepting the kiss by making his own lips soft. A moment later, he pressed his lips to Curt's, kissing back while Curt's hair tickled his cheek. 

He still couldn't manage moving his arms or thinking about what he was doing, but Ray let his tongue slip from his mouth, making contact with Curt's lower lip, then sucking that lip into his mouth. 

Curt heard Ray's breathing change, harder and quicker than just a few seconds ago. His hands massaged a trail down Ray's chest, his lips still sucking and pressing Ray's. He moved his head and came at his lips differently, breathing heavily and stopping his hands over Ray's ribcage to rub before leaning back. 

Ray opened his eyes slowly, sleepily observing Curt's next move. He wasn't going to fight or move, his body growing hot under the weight of the man on him. He wasn't sure if he could stop what was happening, nor did he try. Curt grabbed at his t-shirt and ripped it carelessly before hungrily diving in to bite Ray's nipple. 

Jumping, Ray threw a hand onto Curt's back, his other hand falling onto Curt's arm. He let out a loud gasp then relaxed again when Curt's tongue licked its way to the groove in the center of his chest where his lips closed around it and sucked in the skin. 

Curt felt the hand on his back and his arm as he walked his knees farther into the seat, his groin now pressing expectantly against Ray's. He felt the flesh under his fingers getting warmer as he let his hands explore the torso, his tongue and lips working the chest. 

Swallowing hard, Ray watched the head moving over his chest. He let the hand on Curt's arm slip and fall onto his own chest, running his hand over himself before it reached Curt's ear. Feeling the hand on his ear, Curt stopped and looked up. Ray cupped Curt's jaw then guided him back up to his mouth where he let his tongue taste Curt's lips an instant before they met. His heart was racing fast now, the blood in his system flying through him. Ray was sure he could feel his veins expanding under the pressure while his hand rubbed Curt's back. 

Feeling the painful pressure in his own pants reminded Curt of what he'd been dying for all night. Still, he'd have to take it slow. This man wasn't ready to help him out of the slump he'd been in lately, but he'd make him ready. Curt ran his hands down to unbutton Ray's jeans. Lifting his hips caused him to press his lips harder against Ray's mouth, but he immediately had his hands working to undo Ray's fly. Grabbing Ray's waistband, he pulled from the kiss and let his body slide down Ray's legs, tugging his pants down as he went. Working a moment to get them over Ray's hips, they were soon down enough that as Curt sat back, he could yank them from his legs, then push his way between Ray's knees. 

Seeing the erection before him, Curt glanced at Ray, his expression becoming less blank, before taking the tip into his mouth. He sucked hard, letting his lips slide over it an inch while undoing his own pants and pulling back one side to release the tension there. He left his tongue to explore the tip in his mouth before sucking again, moving in steps along the shaft. At this rate, it took some time to have Ray fully in his mouth, but as Curt sucked one last time, simultaneously running his tongue along the underside of the shaft, Ray moaned loudly. 

Feeling a smile that wouldn't show, Curt rested a hand on Ray's hip, moving his mouth up and down Ray's erection. He felt Ray growing breathless, his moans getting closer together before his hand wandered from Ray's hip to work its way under his ass. 

Ray's mouth dropped open into a louder moan while one hand massaged and the mouth made the pressure on his cock even more intense. The tongue pressed hard against his flesh, the sucking sensation succeeding in giving him ecstasy he'd never felt before. Curt's head moved, Ray still in his mouth as his tongue pushed further into the base of his penis. Ray groaned melodramatically, his hand rubbing Curt's shoulder as he subconsciously coaxed Curt for more. A breath stopped short in his throat and Ray didn't realize he'd stopped breathing until he let out a low grunt, the pressure on his groin so hard and tight he had to brace himself by using his free hand to push on the arm of the chair. He shifted back, Curt's mouth following and lifted one leg, pulling the knee to his chest and putting his heel on the chair. The action helped secure him as his body gained complete control from his brain and he thrust into Curt's mouth, the feeling of teeth pushing into him as he caught his breath again. 

The hand on Curt's shoulder moved to rub his hair and Curt could feel Ray thrust against him again, accepting it and sucking harder until Ray pumped one more time and came in his mouth. He ran his tongue over the pulsating veins, sucking and swallowing in perfect coordination to Ray's moans of exhilaration. 

Finally, Ray's body fell relaxed against the seat, his arms and legs limply slipping from where they were. Curt stood and knelt over Ray again, one hand supporting his neck as he kissed him again, voraciously licking his lips and sucking him in. 

Ray wasn't sure when the alcohol went from three beers he drank too fast to just three beers which he could handle easily, but he felt the effects slipping away. His mind was working again and he knew the man on him was practically a stranger, but he didn't care. He accepted him and put his arms around him, letting the man kiss him passionately as his legs trembled beneath them. 

Chapter 5  
The first thing Ray noticed when his eyes opened was the man asleep beside him. The second thing was the bare chest and the white sheet pulled up to the man's waist. Right after that, he began to remember the night before and still found himself wondering how they ended up in bed together. Curt had told him he could sleep there while Curt would take the couch, yet here he was. 

Then Ray felt the headache. It pounded steadily, making one eye twitch. He rubbed his temple and sat up slowly, unconsciously taking the navy blanket over his legs and pulling it up. Finally able to observe, he looked around the loft. It was a large studio with a kitchen in the opposite corner. They lay on a mattress on the floor and on the opposite wall was the yellow and tan chair. Turning, he looked at the space behind him and while there was a scattering of miscellaneous furniture and milk crates, there was no couch. 

Frowning, he turned to Curt and stared at him. His chest rose and fell slowly, his light hair covering most of his face. Ray was very aware of the fact that he was naked, but found himself wondering about his companion. He debated a moment before reaching across and gently lifting the sheet. Curt wore briefs and nothing else. Ray blinked. He was pretty sure he remembered everything, but he knew he didn't remember Curt's pants coming off completely. 

Biting the inside of his lip, he stood and crossed to the chair. He picked up his boxers, pulling them on before lifting the jeans from the floor. It took a moment of examination before he realized they weren't his and turned around, finding his own a few inches away. 

He was pulling the jeans on when he heard the bed rustling. He looked up to see Curt stirring and found himself turning away shyly to button his fly. He did the top one just in time to hear a soft voice behind him. 

"Leaving so soon?" 

Ray cleared his throat, tugging to straighten the waistband before he turned. He looked at Curt, into those eyes so full of emotion, then looked away. "I told you I'm not," Ray said quietly. 

Curt chuckled. This made Ray's skin tingle and an anger rise in him, but he didn't let himself respond to the feeling. Ray could sense him getting out of the bed. He glanced at the uninhibited body, but hid his interest in it quickly. "Sure, but you had a good time," Curt said. 

Ray didn't answer. He started to spin in circles as though looking for something. Curt chuckled, but Ray couldn't figure out why as he continued to do a James Brown impersonation across the floor. 

Finally Curt spoke again. "Look, you've got no place to go. Not like you have to run away." 

Swallowing, Ray then remembered how he'd ended up here. He'd already run away. Running away from here meant running back to something, didn't it? He stopped and stared at the floor. There he saw what he realized he'd been looking for. The rags of his shirt were right beside the bed, mocking him. Without it, he couldn't go anywhere. With it, he might as well be without. He looked at Curt who was grinning. "Can't go like that anyway." 

Ray shook his head and started for the door. "I'll find a shirt," he commented dryly. 

Curt dodged in front of him, blocking his exit. "Look, no one ever said you couldn't like it just because it was done by a man." 

"I..." Ray stopped and took in a breath. "I have a fiance." 

Curt stopped a surprised expression from resting on his face, but he straightened his spine as he rubbed his abdomen. "So?" 

Rubbing his temples again, Ray grew upset. "I cheated on her. I have to go before..." 

"Well, if you cheated on her, it's done isn't it? You can't take it back now." 

"It was only that," Ray responded, waving to the chair. "I was drunk, but if I stay..." 

Curt grabbed Ray's upper arms. "Why are you here if she matters? If you stay, then you're here with me, just me and I'm harmless. You want to go home to your wife and kids and single family dwelling? Then why are you here?" 

"They're in Chicago," he offered feebly. 

"Then why are you in New York in the first place?" He paused. "Because you're lost or you're looking, right? So what did you find?" 

"You," Ray whispered simply. 

Curt nodded. "So what will happen if you stay?" 

He couldn't move after the question was asked because there was a deep swelling inside that told him exactly what would happen. He knew the actions that would happen at the forefront of his mind, but what bothered him was that feeling in the pit of his stomach that wanted it. If he stayed, he might find out just how much he wanted it. 

Finally, Ray found his tongue and looked away. "I still don't have a shirt." 

Dropping his hands, Curt glanced across the room past Ray. He moved to where he had glanced, incenting Ray to turn and watch him. Near the corner of the room which was all windows without curtains, Curt had a basket of clothes. He dug in, pulled out a shirt, sniffed it, then walked it back to Ray. "Here," he offered. Ray looked at the shirt and Curt waved it before him. "Here. I'm not going to force you to stay." 

Taking the shirt, Ray put it on tentatively, watching Curt the entire time. Curt only watched him a moment longer before going to the fridge and drinking from a carton of milk. A moment later, he disappeared into the bathroom, leaving the door open a crack. 

Curt hoped Ray would change his mind, stay, possibly join him in the shower, but Ray didn't. He stood there for several seconds listening to the water run, unwilling to move because he still didn't know what to do. What he wanted to do and what he should do only pushed each other to opposite ends of his mind. It was getting easier to tell the two apart, but more difficult to choose. 

All at once he realized there was a third option, one that had been there all along. He'd come to New York with the intention of wandering. Just because Curt had found him or he had found Curt last night didn't mean the alternative was to go home. He looked again at the bathroom door, then the front door. Taking one more look around the place, he left. 

Ray turned to see the building growing distant just before he turned a corner and lost sight completely. What was this thing pulling at him, tugging him to go back? Why didn't he want to leave? It seemed obvious Curt just wanted to play games. Curt didn't want him, just the games. Ray wanted...He stopped with his foot stuck to a piece of gum and leaned his head back, his hands rubbing over his face as he did. He wanted nothing at all. He didn't want to have to ask himself so many questions or have so many thoughts running through his head. He didn't want this desire to go back to Curt's or to imagine Stella in her apartment, or his, looking for him, wondering where he was and if he'd come back. He didn't want to wonder whether he wanted to go back either. 

Dropping his head, his hands brushed back his hair and he looked around desperately for something. Ray spotted a diner in the style of an old train car painted red and blue. Did he want something there? His stomach rumbled to answer the question so he crossed the street and went inside. The Visa sticker on the window relieved him from that worry, but as he saw the booths and tables were full, he wondered just how alone he could feel at the crowded counter. 

A seat between a man in a business suit and a woman in a waitress uniform drinking coffee looked most promising. The man was involved with his newspaper and she was leaning her head back to finish her coffee. 

Ray moved between the two and sat. The woman with black hair acknowledged him. Her red uniform with white pointed apron was faded and stained, he noted as she stood. "Coffee?" she asked. He looked at her a moment. "My break's over. I can get you a coffee if you want." 

Nodding, he didn't make a sound. She walked behind the counter and turned over the mug before him to pour the coffee into. Another waitress passed behind her and caught his attention. 

"Hey, Glory," said the new waitress, tucking a lock of purple hair behind the ear with too many piercings for him to count at a glance. The antiquated uniform looked... more than odd on her, but he suspected nearly anything would. "I'll take the counter." 

Glory, the black haired waitress, set down the coffee pot and nodded. "Ok," she agreed, walking along the counter before stopping at the first booth beyond. 

Ray watched her with interest until the woman before him snapped her fingers. He turned his attention to her and watched her lean on one hip. "I said, you want creamer?" she asked, seeming a bit irritated that she had repeated herself although he hadn't heard her the first time. 

"No," he said. 

She nodded. "Ok, then what can I get you to eat?" 

He wasn't aware that he was staring, but her expression softened. "Food? The coffee's sludge so I can't imagine you came in just for that." 

He blinked. 

She pushed the sugar toward him. "Maybe you want sugar?" 

He shook his head. 

"Need to drink some caffeine before you see colours?" she asked, smiling a little. 

He finally managed a reaction, smiling back politely. "Yeah," he breathed, then drank the coffee. He pulled a face and started to pour sugar in. 

She watched him a moment. "Look, I'm going to go see if they need anything," she stated, waving down the bar. "Maybe when I come back you'll know what you want." 

Ray nodded. Wouldn't it be nice to figure out what you want and be able to order it in a diner a minute later? You could figure it out and consume your life in fifteen minutes. Easy. Ray stared at the faded spot on the sparkled counter from the seventies, he guessed by the colour scheme. 

The waitress returned, her uniform fresher and newer than the other's, but he still had no answers. She left and came back several times, surprisingly patient as he continued to seem confused and unable to make a decision. The breakfast rush subsided and he was still there, drinking coffee and feeling sick from an empty stomach that had tried to digest too much beer at once the night before. 

Glory spoke something in confidence to the other waitress who nodded before stepping back to stand across from Ray. "Well, now I get my break. Mind if I have a coffee with you?" 

Ray hesitated a moment, then nodded. She grabbed a mug and filled it, then topped off his before walking around the counter. She sat beside him and looked at him, watching him pour in the sugar. "You hungry?" 

He nodded into his coffee. 

"Got no money?" she asked. 

He looked at her suddenly. 

"I've only encountered two reasons why a guy comes in and sits here drinking coffee all morning. Either he doesn't have any money and he'll feel less guilty stiffing me for the cost of a cup or he has too many other decisions in his life to figure out what the hell to eat." 

Ray looked at her a moment, examining the silver ring in her nose as she stared at him. Finally he shrugged. "You forgot the third." 

"Oh? What's that?" 

"Hung over," he responded simply. 

She smiled. "Yeah, but a hung over guy will say he just wants coffee. He won't keep telling me he hasn't made a decision." 

"Oh," Ray said. 

"So breakfast is on me if that's the problem," she offered. 

Shaking his head, he sipped at the coffee. He'd lost count of the number and the sludge was beginning to make him sick. 

Waving, the waitress beckoned Glory and ordered two stacks of pancakes. Glory left and the waitress watched him. She shifted, stood, and waved him toward an empty booth. "Come here," she said. 

He spun on the stool and looked at her. 

"I only bite upon request," she said, oblivious to the rush the comment sent through him. Ray blinked back the image of Curt's offer as it popped up in his mind again. "It's more comfortable," she said. 

"Then you sit there," he responded. 

She chuckled. "Come on," she insisted so he finally stood and followed her. Sitting across from each other, he felt no more comfortable. He still wanted to crawl out of his skin. 

Observing his movements for several minutes, she finally spoke again. "You don't look like the power job type. Things confusing you in the mail room?" she asked. 

"Huh?" he said, then shook his head. "No. It's not work." He paused. The academy. Until the academy his job was unloading trucks at the grocery store. It was the first time he realized he didn't miss it. 

"Ah. Outside of work you've got your general life, love, and happiness problems." She looked him over and smiled suggestively. "You look healthy enough. It's happiness then. Unhappiness because of?" She waited. 

He shook his head. "I just came here for a vacation and things aren't going the way they were planned," he said. 

"How were they planned?" she asked. 

"Uh," Ray mumbled, then realized again that there hadn't been plans. Why was he so sure that the things happening weren't exactly what was supposed to happen? He shrugged. 

Glory came over and set down the plates. She winked at the other waitress, then walked away. The other waitress saw Ray eyeing his pancakes before she picked up a fork and cut into hers. "You should eat something," she commented, biting into hers, then reaching for the syrup. Ray stared at his plate while she poured the dark brown syrup on her pancakes. He was still lost as she reached across and put some on his. She set the mini pitcher down and went back to eating. 

Swallowing, she touched his hand and Ray pulled it back quickly. She looked apologetic, but he sat up straight. "I'm sorry," he said. 

She seemed to be sizing him up. "Look, this confused thing, it's not new. Half the world runs around trying to figure out how to make sense of it all and the other half is in denial. At least you're not denying whatever it is you can't figure out. You're trying to face it head on." 

Denial. Ray chuckled. "I'm not gay," he mumbled. 

"What?" 

"Nothing." 

"No, I just didn't hear you. What did you say?" 

He looked at her, then shook his head. "If a person denies something, it doesn't mean it's not true. Just because I deny something, doesn't mean I'm in denial over it." 

She looked confused. 

"If I feel one thing, but I know it's not something that I really feel, then by my saying I don't feel it, it doesn't mean it isn't true." He paused. "Or not true." 

"I lost track of the negatives. What are you saying?" she queried. 

Ray sighed. "I'm not gay, but if I say I'm not, you'll assume I'm in denial about it, right? But the point is I'm saying I'm not because I'm really not, not because I'm denying that I am." 

This time, she blinked. "Ok." It was quiet a long time before she spoke again. "Look, uh - what's your name?" 

"Ray." 

"Ray. Look, Ray. I have to wonder why you're concerned about whether or not I'll accept the validity of your statement unless the point is actually that you are already questioning the validity of it." 

"What?" 

"Why did you specify that you're not gay unless you're wondering if you are?" 

"Because I don't want you to think that I am." 

"I don't think." 

"I didn't want you to assume." 

"I also never assume. I find it gets me into trouble. So you must have asked yourself if you are gay or not for that to be somehow connected with this big decision in which you are denying." 

He looked at her. "What?" 

"You're not gay," she stated, going for a different approach. 

"No." 

"How do you know?" 

"I'm engaged," he announced. "To a woman. A wonderful woman I think I've been in love with for over a decade." He looked at the waitress and shrugged. "I mean, this is what love feels like, isn't it?" 

"I don't know. What does it feel like?" 

"I'm not sure," he replied quietly. 

"Well, what does it feel like with your fiance?" 

Ray chewed his tongue. "Well, I know she and I have been together for a long time - since we were kids. We were supposed to get together last night to set a date for the wedding. Once we do, it's just waiting and getting ready." 

"Ok, that's what's happening, but what about how you feel?" 

"I feel... I feel like she knows me better than anyone and I know her, too. We grew up together." 

"That's still a fact. Tell me what you feel when you're with her." 

Ray stared a long time, then reached into his pocket and set his credit card on the table. "I'm not sure," he finally breathed. 

She pushed it back. "Look, it's on me anyway." Pausing, she watched him put it away and stand up. She reached out and touched his arm. "Maybe if you need help figuring it out, you'll come back. I work all day so you know where to find me. Either way, I hope you find it." 

"Find what?" 

"What you're looking for," she responded. 

Ray sighed, then furrowed his brow. "What's your name?" he asked. 

She looked at her chest. "Lost the fucking thing again," she commented offhandedly before meeting his gaze. "Kathy." 

"Kathy?" 

"Well, if you don't like Kathy, you could call me something else," she said, grinning. 

"Like what?" 

"Anything." 

He nodded. "Kathy will do," he responded, giving her a tiny smile before he left. 

Chapter 6  
Curt had come out of the shower and found the place empty, the door unlocked. Letting out a sigh, he pulled the back of his hair into a black elastic, got dressed, and started his day by eating Ritz crackers topped with peanut butter. The nearly empty fridge mocked him and he considered actually going to the market until he found the crackers. Shortly after, Curt left for work. 

On his way home around four in the afternoon, he made a stop. He walked into the diner near his apartment and looked around. He saw the familiar face and gave half a wave. "Hey, Kathy," he said. 

The waitress pointed to a table. He sat and waited until she passed. "Hey, Curt. The usual?" He nodded. "I've got to work fifteen more minutes, then I'll join you," she commented as she headed for the kitchen. 

A young waitress with blonde hair and a vacant expression brought his food ten minutes later. He started picking at the fries until Kathy took off her apron and joined him. "How was the studio?" she asked. "Any hot new talent you should tell me about?" 

Curt grinned. "Ah, no. Same old faces, same old voices," he remarked. "How was your day?" 

She sighed. "Busy. How have things been going? You said last night you were going to the club," she pointed out. 

"Uh," Curt said, then cocked his head. "Well, I thought I had a specimen, but he up and left on me." 

She smiled. "I've told you to get handcuffs," she remarked, a little surprised that Curt's reaction was a barely amused smile rather than laughter. "Something wrong?" she asked. 

Shrugging, Curt ate another fry. "No," he said finally. 

"Getting lonely at the top?" she pushed. 

He looked at her. "Maybe sometimes." He shrugged. 

"You could settle down, you know," she commented. 

"Over my dead body." 

Kathy smiled and folded her apron, standing. "I hate to cut it short, but I need to get out of this uniform." 

"That's ok." 

"What are you going to do?" 

"Go back to the club. I'll go back tonight and tomorrow and every night if I have to," he said positively. 

"Oh, you'll make that sacrifice?" she asked. 

He nodded emphatically. "You coming tonight?" he asked. 

"I don't think so," she said. "I've got things to see, people to do." 

Grinning, Curt nodded. "Not a date, though, right?" 

She smirked and tapped his arm playfully. "You know you're the only one for me, Curt. I just keep waiting for you to come around." 

Curt laughed. "Well, you have a good night." 

"I will," she said, winking. 

* * *

Ray sat on the park bench chewing his lips and tongue as he watched the by passers. As dusk approached, the numbers dwindled and all he had were his thoughts.

He'd practically run out of the restaurant when he was asked what love felt like. Asking someone else, he'd hoped for answers. Being asked he realized the answer was in himself. He didn't know what it felt like. That was why, it occurred to him, he felt so empty. He felt empty with her, but he also felt empty in that life. Nothing ever seemed to fit and he spent most of his time squashing a presence in his chest that made him want other things. 

He thought going to the police academy would help that. His anger was one of those things he pushed down constantly, but ever since he saw an officer wail on a man trying to escape justice, he'd thought about a possible outlet. 

Still, this didn't answer all of his questions. Why did it feel comfortable with Stella most of the time? Why, when he felt uncomfortable, did he still not leave? He didn't want to leave her. Aside from everything he felt outside of her, he was attached to her. 

Ray fell asleep on the bench only to be kicked out by a police officer two hours later. He walked the streets until he found a quiet ally walled with freight boxes. He moved behind one and curled up. 

It didn't take him long to fall asleep. He didn't sleep deeply enough to become oblivious to time passing, but when the sun worked its way into the ally and he began to wake, he remembered the dream. 

It was rushed and surreal, but he remembered Curt. He was in bed with Stella, but Curt kept circling them, walking around like a predator. Finally Ray woke in the dream, but Stella couldn't be woken. He found himself watching Curt, staring at him as he walked around and around them until he woke. Disturbed and feeling quite a bit less than rested, Ray rubbed at his eyes. 

Kathy. At least she'd asked the right questions, the ones that got him closer to feeling safe. Besides, she gave an endless cup of coffee with her conversation. He stood and brushed himself off before heading on his way. 

Chapter 7  
Ray walked in, sat at the counter, and leaned forward. "Do you think that feeling comfortable with someone is the same as being in love with them?" he asked the back of the waitress. 

She spun, surprised, then smiled when she realized who it was. "You came back." 

Ray grinned. "Yeah. I think I realized you were closer to the truth than I was." 

Turning over his mug, she poured him some coffee. 

"Order up!" came from the direction of the grill. 

She glanced at the window, then turned back to Ray. "Let me take care of this and I'll come right back," she said. 

"Sure," Ray responded, watching her move down to take three plates, balancing them as she placed them before customers. She topped off their coffees, got them the requested condiments, then finally returned. He saw her lean on the counter expectantly. "I really had nothing better to do yesterday than think and what I was thinking was that I think I am in love with Stella because I respect her and I feel comfortable with her." 

"I respect and feel comfortable with my tattooist," Kathy replied. "I'm not ready to marry the guy." 

"Ok, but I really do care about her. I want good things for her and I think if I work hard, I can give them to her." 

Kathy cocked her head. "Do you think it's all or nothing?" 

"What? Do I think what is?" 

"Do you think you're either gay or you're not? Either you love her and marry her and spend the rest of your life with her or you settle down with some guy and spend the rest of your life with him? I mean, there are other options and if you're not sure you want either one, you owe it to yourself to keep your options open." She paused. "Want waffles? They have one with strawberry syrup that's..." 

"Wait. You're saying I want both?" 

Kathy let out a breath. "No, I'm saying you should be sure of who you are before you try giving it to someone else. Otherwise you'll just end up hurting her as much as you're hurting right now." 

Ray scratched his neck and drank his coffee. She turned and didn't come back for nearly fifteen minutes. When she did come back, she placed a plate of waffles with red syrup and sliced strawberries in front of him. She smiled. "I don't mean to add to your confusion, Ray. I just wholeheartedly believe in experimentation." She leaned forward. "Look, I know somebody. He's a great guy, not looking for commitment, but he's got a knack of helping guys sort out confusion. Maybe you could come back around four this afternoon." 

"Come? Here?" 

"Yes." 

"For a date? A blind date with a guy?" 

"Yes," she responded. 

"No," Ray said. "No way." 

"I really think he could help," she pressed. 

"No. No, I'm really not ready to... to... Look, I already know someone - someone perfectly willing, I bet, but I'm not sure I'm ready." 

"Well, then, I guess that's the next question you have to figure out, huh?" she said. "I got more customers. I'll be right back." 

Ray watched her go, waiting for a few minutes before pushing away the plate of waffles. Glory rushed by and he grabbed her. She spun, nearly dropping a plate. "What?" 

He held up his card. "Can you run this when you have a minute?" 

She nodded, took the dishes back, then took his card. "What'd you have?" 

"Waffles and coffee," he responded. 

When she came back, he signed the slip, took his card, and left without saying good bye. 

* * *

Curt sat at a table he chose himself and noticed that Glory and the new blonde were working, but Kathy wasn't around. He ordered his usual and ate quietly, nearly finished before someone joined him. He looked up and saw Kathy sitting in jeans and a blue blouse that contrasted nicely with her hair, bringing out the blue in her eyes. She smiled broadly. "Thought I had a date for you this morning, but he slipped through my fingers."

"Oh?" 

"Yeah. Confused, lonely, engaged. Quite a sorry, brooding lad. You would have loved him." 

Curt chuckled. 

"How did things go at the club last night?" 

"Eh, I went home alone," he responded. 

"Aw." She leaned forward. "Well, not tonight. If the threat of going home alone arises tonight, I'll go with you." He looked at her and she brushed back her hair. "I'm all dressed to go with you and if I have to make you coffee later tonight, so be it." 

He nodded. "All right," he agreed. 

Chapter 8  
'What if I don't marry Stella? What if I don't go to the academy or even return to Chicago? What if I stay here and I find someone else or I don't find someone else, but I find a job or apply for the academy here? What if... what if?' Ray stared at the hamburger he found himself unable to eat at the diner blocks from the one he'd been in that morning. 

The questions had gotten more wild, but also easier to understand. Stella wouldn't be disappointed in him ever again. She'd get over him, move on, and find someone more worthy of her position in life. 

He could become an officer here or not at all. He could find a job of some kind; in that he was confident. He could find a place to live and he could start over and would it really be that bad? 

There was the part of him that wanted to hunt down Curt. 'Should I go to his apartment? Knock on his door? What do I say when I get there?' There was another part that thought he could find someone better. 'Someone capable of loving me back. Someone looking for commitment, not games.' Somehow his mind played it all like a fantastic fantasy that was truly attainable, a dream not, for once, beyond his grasp. 

Even if he did follow those temptations, do all those things, Stella would still be there. In the back of his mind, he felt it was his responsibility to provide for her. So far, she'd done right by him. She loved him, tried to understand him, and still let him have the freedom to be himself. Maybe those were the solid things in life that truly mattered. Here he couldn't guess what tomorrow would bring. There, it was predictable. Boring, maybe a little, but more than that he knew what to expect. Things were easy when he knew what to expect. 

He had started walking as things played out. He wandered the streets and tried to predict where they would take him, but around every corner was another surprise. Those surprises were starting to grate on him. He had to know. He was the type that needed security. 

Ray wasn't sure if it was a surprise or not that he found himself just inside the entrance to the club. It was a familiar place, but he hadn't planned on going there. He saw Curt spinning and jumping like a hyperactive child on crack, watching him bust freely through the crowd. Logically, he knew the chances of seeing him at the same place were slim, that by going his apartment he'd have more guarantees. Most of him prayed Curt would be here. It wasn't that he wanted to meet him in public, though the thought crossed his mind. It was that the music and beer could distract from the intensity of what he felt. 

Crossing around the outside, there were hundreds of people, but Ray only saw Curt. He was at the back of the place before he doubled back toward the dance floor. Curt was still going like he had a motor on him and Ray found himself moving slowly, his footfalls matching the beat as he was drawn toward Curt. 

Finally, he was two feet away and with one spin, Curt bounced into him. Throwing his hair back to nod an apology, Curt stopped immediately when he saw the target of his apology was Ray. His cheeks flushed, he was panting and sweat ran down one side of his face. The carefree grin faded while Curt held back his hair, waiting to see what Ray might say. 

Ray swallowed as Curt watched his neck, feeling all the intimidation and fear pumping at the adrenalin in his body. Finally, he moved a few inches closer and spoke loud to be heard over the music. "I'm supposed to get married!" he announced. Curt looked disappointed and waved Ray away, but Ray touched his arm so he stopped. "I was supposed to do it because that's what was expected." 

Curt took in a deep breath, steadying himself and relaxing from the rush of dancing. "Then why are you here?" he asked over the music. 

Ray stood a moment, watching Curt wait for an answer. His jaw locked, but then his mouth dropped open and he leaned forward slightly. "I was hoping you could tell me." 

Curt considered this only a second before he closed the space between them. He moved close and barely let his lips touch Ray's, but that was all Ray needed. As soon as Curt's lips brushed his, Ray threw his arms around Curt's back, pulled him as close as humanly possible, and pressed his lips to Curt's. He opened his mouth and sucked Curt in, licked his lips and drove his tongue unexpectedly into Curt's mouth. 

Curt reacted, putting his hands along Ray's neck and holding him as he kissed back He returned movement with his tongue, tasted him. Curt devoured Ray and let Ray devour him there on the dance floor without a care of who might be watching. 

Ray's legs were beginning to wobble, but as he leaned into Curt more for support, Curt stumbled. He didn't realize that he'd been holding up Curt just as much as Curt had been holding him. He pulled back, expecting to look into Curt's eyes, but instead Curt's lips slid across his cheek and stopped at his ear. "Let's go somewhere," he suggested, still holding Ray as he felt the head nod against his. It was only after confirmation that he ran his hand down Ray's arm, pulling it from around him and holding his hand as he led him out of the club. 

On the sidewalk, Curt looked at Ray. "Got cash?" 

"Yeah, I managed to get some today," he replied. 

Curt nodded, walked to the curb, and hailed a cab. Opening the door, he pushed Ray inside, then climbed in behind him. Uninhibited, he threw his leg over Ray's lap while the door closed and pushed him back against the seat of the cab, the position mostly awkward as he cupped Ray's jaw and started kissing him again impatiently. 

Making the cabdriver as uncomfortable as possible while still fully clothed, Curt licked Ray's neck, suckling his skin as he listened to Ray breathing. When the driver stopped, he climbed off and got out, waiting until Ray paid the driver and got out himself. The door slammed and already Curt had his arms around Ray, jerking him as he guided him into the building and up the stairs. 

He slid the door open and let Ray in, removing his shirt and tossing it aside, then starting to undo his pants while he pushed the door closed with his other. Ray swallowed as he looked at the place. The questions started again, but he rubbed his temple and pushed them back. When he turned around, Curt was kicking off his boots and working his way out of his leather pants. Feeling suddenly overdressed, Ray watched him. 

Curt sensed Ray's hesitation. As soon as he was disentangled from his black pants, he moved on Ray, kissing him while he worked on Ray's jeans. He pushed the waist down and yanked the shirt over Ray's head in such quick succession that Ray was dizzy. Curt leaned his upper body back to push down Ray's pants, simultaneously stepping toward him in a way that moved them both toward the mattress. The waistband was just below Ray's thighs when Curt pushed him hard enough to make him fall backward, but Ray was letting him. Ray watched Curt toss his jeans aside, then straddle him before putting his hands on Curt's hips. He pushed suddenly and tried to roll over. 

"Now what's wrong?" Curt asked. 

"I'm not... I'm not..." he said breathlessly. 

"Oh God. Don't go there again. Gay isn't a dirty word," Curt said forcefully, leaning over Ray. 

Ray shook his head emphatically, then put a hand on his chest. His heart was racing, his head spinning, and he couldn't seem to catch his breath. He gasped and half choked. 

Curt's expression quickly went from frustration to concern. He grabbed Ray's face. "Take a breath!" 

Ray tried, but only gasped. Curt moved so that instead of being over him, he was kneeling beside him. "Ray? Ray! Take a breath!" 

Still he only gasped, rolling to one side. "I... I..." was all he could manage to stutter. 

Curt grabbed Ray's arm and pulled him to a sitting position, Ray's head flopping forward. "Oh fuck," Curt breathed. "What did you take?" 

Ray shook his head. 

"What are you on?" Curt insisted. "Don't OD on me! I don't need cops here!" 

Grabbing Curt's arm, Ray continued to shake his head, now managing to breathe enough to get some oxygen and a little clarity. "I've never... I don't... I can't..." He started too many sentences and left them unfinished so that Curt couldn't respond to any of them. 

Finally Curt leaned forward and into Ray's flustered face. "Are you scared?" he asked, perplexed. 

Ray lifted his eyes and met Curt's gaze, then looked away embarrassed. Curt chuckled. "I've never had someone go into a panic attack because they're scared," he commented. 

Ray shot him a look to let Curt know he didn't see the amusement. Curt pulled himself together and patted Ray's back. "Look, look, it's not something to be terrified of. I'll go easy on you." 

Ray rubbed at his head and kept trying to breathe, but his lung capacity seemed limited. Concentrating on that, he felt his body beginning to relax as Curt rubbed his back and murmured words Ray would never remember. When he finally began to feel the constriction lift he brushed his hair back, breathing in the air that was cooler and fresher than what was coming from his lap. He sniffed and grunted, then looked at Curt who was just watching him. It seemed to fill the apartment when Ray let out a little chuckle. "You must think I'm pathetic," Ray commented. 

Curt shook his head, shifted closer, then touched Ray's jaw. He held his head where he could look into Ray's eyes. "No," he said clearly, then moved forward and kissed him gingerly. There was a click as he pulled back. "Maybe you just need a beer," Curt said. "Relax." 

Ray nodded a little, then watched Curt as he got off the bed. He went to the fridge, pursed his lips, and closed the door. "I know I've got some backup somewhere," he commented as he went through the cupboards. There weren't many, but from the one on the farthest end, he produced six bottles of beer. Carrying the pack by the handle, he stopped to grab an opener, then set them by the bed and handed one to Ray. "It's probably warm," he commented. 

Ray didn't care. He tilted the bottle while Curt opened it, then watched as he opened one for himself. Curt tossed the opener aside while Ray drank from the bottle, much more slowly, but somehow more seductively in Curt's opinion. Curt sucked a bit off his, then set it aside. "You ok?" he asked. 

Ray nodded, drank a little more, then set his aside. "I feel out of my league," Ray admitted softly. 

"Well, let me do all the work this time and I'll have you in my league by morning," Curt responded with a grin, shifting toward Ray again. 

The grin relaxed Ray. Curt pushed him back to laying down slowly, being much more gentle than he thought he'd ever been. He spread out on his side beside Ray, reaching one arm over so that only the top of his body was on Ray's chest, then began to kiss him again. He felt Ray's hand move into his hair and massage his scalp while their lips moved against each other. 

Curt pulled back to check on Ray's status. Ray saw that this was what he was doing and while his heart tried to push him to lean up and kiss Curt, his body made him wait for Curt to come back to him. Shifting, Curt now put a knee between Ray's legs then kissed his jaw line tenderly back to the ear, nibbling softly. 

His hand rubbed Ray's chest, Ray's hand moving to rest on Curt's hip while his other continued in his hair. Feeling back on track, Curt ran his hand into Ray's hair and let his lips explore Ray's shoulder, moving to his collarbone to nip lightly. Ray made a soft noise so Curt moved more heavily over him, relaxing his body as he took skin into his mouth and bit. Ray just hummed as Curt sucked the flesh, leaving a deep red and purple mark. 

Ray closed his eyes, the sensations of Curt's tongue and teeth sending pulses into his body as his mind's focus dwindled. He was getting lost in the here and now, blood rushing through him. He felt himself growing warmer, getting more and more turned on as Curt massaged his chest and took bits of his skin between his teeth. He didn't know what he should do, finding himself confused and unsure. All he could think of was moving his hands on Curt's body, but this body wasn't like any he'd been with before. He swallowed when Curt moved to kiss his lips again. Was he doing anything right? The one thing he'd learned with Stella was that the moment moved you, but every move he wanted to make, he questioned. This wasn't the same. No matter how much he wanted it to be, it wasn't. 

Curt's hand moved over Ray's groin, slowly massaging his inner thigh and scrotum. The way he grew warm and erect at Curt's touch was the same, he realized. Opening his eyes, he watched Curt kiss his chest a moment. It wasn't the man versus woman that was so different, he realized. That may have been a factor, but it wasn't what caused the hesitation. It was how he felt. Stella had committed her life to him and they had already spent half of it together. Curt gave him something else, some affectionate part of him, but not his love. He rubbed Curt's head until Curt looked up. Ray smiled and shifted. "You can do anything to me," he said softly. 

Curt looked confused. Sure it was smooth now, but five minutes ago, Ray was in full denial and fright. He slid his body up Ray's and kissed his mouth. "Did you have something in mind?" 

Ray shrugged. 

"Would you like me to put something in your mind?" 

Ray scoffed. What he really wanted was to not find himself over a woman, moving gently and slowly and concerned more about making her happy than his own sexual desires. Anything Curt did would be different. Hell, sex with another woman would probably be different. "I just want you to show me," he said softly, giving complete control to Curt. 

Curt grinned in a way that should have made Ray feel uncomfortable, his mind obviously full of ideas now, but he just lay there, relaxed, taking deep breaths and concentrating on not having another panic attack. Curt straddled him and started kissing his jaw again, taking a bite at the chin. Their bodies were built so similarly that they melded into each other. Curt ran his left hand down Ray's right arm, guiding Ray's hand to his ass before putting his left hand back on the bed and repeating with the other. He left his right hand on Ray's abdomen and rubbed it, Ray taking the hint and massaging both sides of Curt's ass. He could feel Curt against him, his erection hard and pressing against the side of his own. 

Curt's hand moved slowly down Ray's body, making Ray feel hotter, tighter like something was trying to burst out of him. He felt a hand close around his penis, squeezing before Curt opened his hand and used his own fingers to trace a line up his own cock while holding Ray. Ray felt the hard, wet tongue moving around his jaw, ear, and neck. He thought of moving his hands, of touching Curt, but he was hesitant. For a moment, he thought of Jimmy. He'd never let Jimmy share details and he realized that he'd be better equipped now if he had. Eyes closed, he let out a breath, forgetting about Jimmy as he savoured the sensations on his body until Curt rolled his body beside Ray, placed his hand gently on Ray's side, and guided him to move. 

Once he had Ray where he wanted him, Curt slid his hand along his side while moving up right against him. Ray could feel the flesh touching his, pressing against his back. His mouth sucking Ray's neck, Curt massaged Ray's buttocks, slowly working his fingers in between. Ray took in a quick breath when Curt's finger touched him, pushed against him. Muscles fought the moment his finger pressed inside and Ray gasped a little. 

Slowly, Curt moved inside Ray, gently shifting and working in a second finger as he pressed his body even closer, breathing on Ray's neck between kisses. Feeling over sensitized, Ray shifted toward Curt, making himself move. He twitched uncomfortably when Curt slid his fingers from him, but kept his hand there until he had positioned himself. Ray swallowed the rising anxiety, waiting as he wondered exactly how it would feel. 

Curt was careful as he guided his tip into Ray, causing Ray to cringe while balling his hand into a fist. Slowly Curt brought his hand to Ray's hip. "Relax," he breathed into Ray's ear, then pressed unexpectedly against Ray. 

Ray gasped, clenching his jaw and grasping the edge of the mattress while the muscles of his arms bulged. Curt could see the muscles tighten, the smoothness of Ray's figure turning him on more. He wrapped his fingers tight on Ray's hip and thrust hard, pulling Ray back. The yelp he heard sent him more pleasure and he pushed again. 

His heart racing differently than it had before, Ray was now feeling sensations of pain and pleasure fight in his body. Curt pushed in and Ray tried not to make a sound at the feeling of being ripped, though a groan escaped. He feared he sounded like a child the way he fought against the pain, yet Curt didn't slow down. Ray huffed with the next tearing shove, feeling Curt's hand leave his side and move around to grab his cock. Curt was holding it, stroking it, as Ray's brain shut off completely. He didn't care anymore if he sounded stupid or if he felt pain. The muscles of his front and back now both jerked and contracted, unsure what to do with all the pressure building there. Curt held him tight as he moved, his penis feeling too large on one side and his hole too small on the other. Curt shifted his body closer, pumping hard into Ray's ass until a moment later, he felt Ray's cock release warm liquid on his hand and the bed, the vein beneath it pulsating to push it out. Curt moaned into Ray's ear and bit the back of his neck as he sped up, driving himself harder, faster, and deeper into Ray. Gasping and crying out, Ray couldn't move his body, though he wanted to get away from the suddenly aggressive Curt. 

Feeling the skin between them growing hotter and hotter, Curt left Ray's softening erection and placed his hand on Ray's hip again. He felt Ray trying to get away, but also twisting against him. His chest and head felt feverish until everything rushed to his groin and he felt himself filling Ray. 

Curt was still enjoying the aftereffects of pumping gently into Ray after he came when Ray released his grip on the bed and went limp. Curt slid out and climbed over Ray so that he faced him, looking at the closed eyes while he reached out and stroked Ray's hair. 

Opening his eyes, Ray looked at Curt. He had no expression, but he was wondering already if he'd made a mistake. Ray saw Curt smile, but he couldn't return it. His eyes wandered to the chest as it rose and fell quickly, Curt still regaining his breath. 

"You can stay here," Curt said. Ray furrowed his brow so he expounded. "You can stay here as long as you're in New York. Don't think you have to sleep on park benches." 

"I got kicked out of the park," Ray remarked. 

Curt smiled. "You smell like you slept out there." 

Ray shifted. "I slept outside, but I had to find someplace after I got kicked out." 

"Well, shower here and wear my clothes when you're cleaning yours. I don't care." 

"You want free access to me?" Ray asked skeptically. 

Curt resisted the temptation to answer yes immediately. "I like you. Don't want to see you on the streets." 

'Like?' Ray picked up, shifting to lift himself onto his elbow. "Thanks," he said, the move showing him that he still felt a little weak. They stared at each other for a while until Ray moved his elbow and lay down again. Curt was getting that hungry look in his eye again, but the mattress was so comfortable and Ray was so tired. Closing his eyes, he let out a long breath. "So tired," he breathed. 

Curt watched Ray for several minutes. Ray's breath slowed and deepened until Curt knew he was asleep. Smiling just a little, Curt let any thoughts of another fuck fade, closed his eyes, and went to sleep beside his new toy. 

Chapter 9  
Kathy looked around the entire place, but Curt was nowhere. She was annoyed that he hadn't said goodbye. Even when someone was really revving his engines, Curt would come to let her know he was leaving when they had gone together. Not to let her evening be ruined, she stayed to party until things slowed down, but when it was 4 am and time to leave, she found herself wondering who was worth ditching her completely. 

Taking a cab home, she had the driver wait while she got coffee grounds from her apartment, then headed to another destination. When she got out in front of Curt's building, she smiled like she knew a secret and went inside. 

The pounding on the door woke Curt, but he wasn't about to answer. He sidled up and put his arm over the warm body, closing his eyes again, but the pounding repeated. Finally he sighed, taking a moment to be surprised that Ray still slept while he went to the door. He opened it a few inches, hiding most of his body and Kathy held up a red bag. "Coffee?" she asked. 

Curt laughed. "That curious, huh?" 

"You left without saying good bye. I didn't get to see the guy." 

"He's not your type," Curt said, running his hand absentmindedly over his abdomen. 

"Well, I hope not," she responded, putting her free hand on the door. 

Curt sighed. "Why are you here?" 

"Coffee," she repeated. 

"Couldn't find anyone to take you home?" 

She shrugged. "You'd be surprised how many gay men are at the clubs you like hanging out in." 

Curt chuckled as she pushed on the door and he reluctantly let her inside. He blocked her view of the bed until she stepped toward the kitchen and got a look. Ray finally woke and had rolled over. He looked toward the voices and the instant he saw Kathy, he sat up hurriedly, pulling the nearest blanket over him and to his neck while looking horrified. 

Kathy started laughing as Curt turned to see that Ray was awake and apparently shy. He looked back at Kathy, but she was chuckling now as she watched Ray lower the blanket to his waist. As soon as he realized he couldn't just disappear, Ray relaxed and leaned his head against the wall. 

Taking a few steps forward, Kathy grinned. Curt kept himself between her and Ray, watching her as he picked up his underwear and put it on. "He's just in town a few days, I think," Curt stated. "You don't know him." 

"Sure I do. Been serving him coffee since Friday morning." She paused and moved closer. "Well, either the questions just got a lot more complicated or you've got all the answers," she commented. 

Ray gave her a half grin. "I..." he managed. 

Curt shook his head after giving Ray a moment to try for another word. "You were at the diner yesterday?" he asked. "On your way here?" 

Ray shook his head. "I was - looking." 

"Looking for?" Curt asked. 

"S..something," Ray murmured. "I... I don't know what." 

Kathy looked at Curt, then Ray. "You were leaving here when you came in Friday? Then I guess setting you up on that date would have been redundant after all." 

Ray blushed a little and looked at Curt. Kathy moved back into the kitchen. "I'll make coffee," she commented. 

Leaning out of bed, Ray reached for his boxers, but Curt held up a hand. "Let me give you some of mine. At least they're clean," he remarked, crossing the room to grab clothes out of the basket which was still sitting by the window. 

Pulling on the white briefs, Ray finally moved the blanket away enough that if she'd been looking, Kathy would have gotten a better view of him. He stood, pulling on the pants Curt had given him and walked over to her. "You make coffee all day. Want me to make it?" 

"No," she said, then shrugged. "I'm the only one who can use this old thing. Curt hasn't even figured it out since I brought it here." 

Curt chuckled again. He moved up beside Ray, putting his hands on him, but Ray sheepishly moved away. "Kathy doesn't mind," Curt said. 

"I do," Ray replied, staring at the floor. It was quiet a moment before he looked up again. "Maybe I should shower," he commented. 

Curt nodded and waved toward the bathroom. "Want me to join..." 

"No," Ray said immediately as he crossed to go in. 

Inside he found another basket with clothes, these ones presumably dirty. He looked at it a long time before turning around until he found a shelf with two folded towels. He took one down and set it on the counter as he reached in and turned on the water. The water ran hot from the faucet as Ray stood and stared at his reflection in the mirror. 

Curt took three mugs from the cupboard and set them next to Kathy, then went to the chair and lounged in it. Several minutes later, she brought him a cup and one for herself, squatting to sit on the mattress across from him. "Don't break him," she commented seriously. 

"Oh, I fully intend to break him in," Curt replied, grinning. 

Kathy sighed and shook her head. "I like this one. He's not like the bags you pick up who want the same one nighters you want." 

"I know," Curt replied with a shrug. "I haven't had one like him in a long time." 

"I've never seen someone kill themselves that much over this. You don't want to mess that up, Curt. You screw this one up and he won't go looking for someone to screw to get over you. He'll disappear in it and it won't be something he'll get over. I don't think you want to be responsible for that." 

Curt waved his hand. "All right, all right. I'll behave," he said, then sipped his coffee. "Wouldn't worry so much anyway." 

"Why not?" 

Curt looked at her, met her gaze. He provided no answer as he finally broke the gaze to stare at the bathroom door. 

Chapter 10  
The table was too disgusting for Stella to put her hands on, but she willingly set the terrible vending machine coffee on it and waited. She was fully aware that she was getting the special treatment of a private room and individual attention from a detective because of her looks, but she planned to show them that there were brains in this head of hers. She stared sternly at the door and tried not to notice the small splattering of blood on the wall or the grimy handprint beside the door. 

Finally, Detective Hodges, who had spotted her in the waiting area and had offered her this personal attention came into the room. He closed the door, his other hand holding a pen and folder with papers, then turned to her and smiled. 

As he sat in the seat across from her, she straightened her spine and let her hands rest in her lap. He took in her serious expression and set the papers on the table. "Now, Miss..." 

"Stella, please," she insisted dryly. 

"Stella. I've got the missing persons forms here if you're ready to get started." 

"Yes." 

He smiled and looked down. "What's the missing person's name?" 

"Stanley Raymond Kowalski," she replied. 

The list of questions read like a laundry list. Age, occupation, residence, but as the page became full, the questions slowed. He turned the page. "All right. Now, when was the last time you saw him?" 

"Thursday morning around 10 am." 

"Do you know if anyone else saw him? His parents? A sibling perhaps?" 

Stella took in a breath. "I met with his parents on Thursday evening and they said they hadn't heard from him since Tuesday when we confirmed our dinner plans. I could provide his agenda for the day if that would be helpful." The detective nodded so she continued. "After I left, he was supposed to get a haircut at City Hair on 9th. I called Friday and they said he missed the appointment." Hodges made a note as she waited. When he looked at her again, she continued. "Thursday afternoon, he was supposed to take his friend Jimmy Nickols to the airport. I believe he said the flight left at 3:12 pm to Seattle. Jimmy is moving there and promised to call when he had a phone and an address, but I haven't heard from him yet. He would have called Ray's apartment first, I'm sure." 

Hodges made more notes. "And after that?" 

"After that, we were going to have dinner with both our parents at Micello's. He never showed up. Friday I started making phone calls, but he didn't show up at work and they hadn't heard from him since he left Wednesday. I called here, but I was told I couldn't report him as missing for 72 hours which is why I'm here today." She paused. "All his clothes are there and his checkbook is still by the mail. I'm very concerned." 

"I understand," Detective Hodges said. "Is there anyone else you think we might be able to contact?" 

"No. If I had the resources, I'd continue the search myself, but now I'm relying on your connections to find out what happened to him." 

"Yes, but I wouldn't automatically assume the worst. Sometimes people just forget to do things and..." 

"For three days? Ray is much more responsible," she explained. "If something had happened, he would have called me. He cares about me very much. I don't want to imagine what must have happened that he hasn't even tried to call. You have to understand, this isn't like Ray at all." 

Hodges tapped the desk lightly, indicating that she should remain calm. "I'll start on this right away and let you know as soon as I have something. I'm sure everything's fine, Ma'am. The best thing for you to do is to go home, try to relax, and wait for one of us to call." 

Stella stood, glaring slightly at the way he'd talked down to her. She brushed back her hair. "I know something's wrong. I just know," she stated firmly as she left. 

* * *

It took fancy footwork and calling in favours for Detective Hodges to finally find out that Jimmy had taken up residence in a small building with a community phone. He called and let it ring for quite some time before someone answered.

"Hello?" 

"Is Jimmy Nickols available?" 

"Who?" 

"I believe he's in apartment 3J," Detective Hodges said. 

"Oh. The new guy," the person said, then paused. "I don't know. I'll check." 

Several minutes passed before there was another voice. "This is Jimmy." 

"Jimmy Nickols?" 

"Yes." 

"This is Detective Hodges of the Chicago Police Department." He could almost feel the tense silence. "I'm looking for Stanley Raymond Kowalski." 

"Ray?" the man asked, then breathed. "Oh! This must be about the academy. What do you need to know?" 

"This isn't about the academy," Hodges explained, not surprised by the comment since a check on Ray's record showed that he'd had a background check and was recently accepted. "I understand he took you to the airport on Thursday around 3 pm. Is that correct?" 

"Yeah, sure," Jimmy responded. 

"Have you heard from him since then?" 

"No. I'm just living here for a week or so. I was going to call him with my new number when... is something wrong?" 

"His fiance reported him as missing this morning," Hodges explained. "It would appear at this point that you were the last to see him." 

"Oh geez. Well, I... I don't know. Everything seemed fine. He was his usual self and I told him I'd come back when he got married. He didn't say anything. You think something happened to him?" 

Hodges sighed. "Well, that's what we're trying to find out. Do you know anyone who might have more information?" 

"Than Stella? No. He tells her everything. It's not like him to up and disappear like that," he said. 

* * *

The next morning, Hodges learned that while Ray's car had been left in short term parking, no one had noticed it until the Monday morning security check. He summoned Ray's bank records as soon as the banks opened and sat examining them when he was told he had a call.

"Detective Hodges," he said as he picked it up. 

"Detective. It's Stella..." 

"Oh yes," he interrupted. "I was just working on your case." 

"And what have you found so far?" she asked. 

He paused, looking at the credit card usage and sighed. "Well, we have reason to believe that he's in New York City." 

"What reason?" 

"I couldn't say yet, Ma'am," he replied, not wanting to point out that the charges he saw could easily have been made by just about anyone. "I don't have much information yet, but I'll be sure to keep you updated." 

"You know something you're not telling me." 

Hodges groaned. This woman was starting to annoy him. "I promise to call you when I know something more definite," he stated firmly. "Thanks for calling." 

"Wait," she protested, but he hung up on her. 

As soon as he was off the phone, Hodges took the photo of Ray Stella had provided to the nearest Civilian Aide. "Send this to Detective Matheson, Division 12 in New York City," he said. "Owes me a favour," he tacked on before turning around and going back to his desk. 

Chapter 11  
Kathy swooped across the counter and filled a cup of coffee before noticing the man in a suit standing at the end. She moved down and smiled. "What can I get you?" 

The man moved his jacket back to show his badge, then held out a picture. "Have you seen this man?" 

She studied it, though she didn't need to. One glance and she knew exactly who he was, where he was, and she had a good idea what he was doing right now. "Uh," she said, squinting. 

Glancing up into his face for a moment, she saw that he was waiting, expectantly. He seemed more certain than hopeful so she assumed he must have known something to come looking here and Ray had been in more than once. "Yeah, yeah. I think he came in for breakfast." 

"When?" 

"Oh, I don't know. Last weekend?" She paused and thought a moment. He'd come in Friday when she'd paid, Saturday when he'd paid and left without saying good bye, and yesterday, Monday, Curt and Ray had come in together. Ray paid cash and it then dawned on her he'd used his credit card Saturday. She wasn't sure if that's how they'd known to look here, but she took her chances. "Saturday. Maybe Friday," she said. 

"Did you serve him?" 

"Yeah, he had coffee and something. Not very talkative. Ate and left." 

He nodded. "Was there another waitress on duty?" 

Kathy swallowed. "Uh, yeah, Glory, but I don't think she talked to him," she said. 

"I'd like to speak with her anyway." 

Nodding, Kathy turned to set down the coffee carafe and smiled. "Sure, I'll go get her," she offered. Moving into the kitchen, she spotted Glory near the grill. Walking quickly over, she nudged Glory. "There's a cop out there wants to talk to you," Kathy said, somewhat quietly. Glory looked confused as she wiped her hands and started out. Kathy grabbed her elbow, stopping her. "You didn't see him," she said. 

"See who?" 

"Just tell him you didn't talk to the guy, ok?" she asked. 

Glory furrowed her brow, but agreed. When she left the kitchen, she saw the man standing and looking uncomfortable. She approached. "Hello." 

He nodded. "Detective Matheson," he said by way of introduction, then held out the picture again. "Have you seen this man?" 

She looked a long time. "No," she said when she recognized him. 

"Are you sure? He was in here when you were working." 

Glory glanced back at the kitchen. She bit her lip. "Uh, last weekend. Yeah, I remember. He was just here for coffee." She paused. "I mean, I saw him drinking coffee." 

"Was he your customer?" 

She blinked. "No, I think Kathy took care of him." 

He nodded. "And you didn't talk to him at all?" 

Glory shifted. "No, I think I might have taken his money to pay on Saturday, but other than that, I hardly noticed him." 

"On Saturday? Was he in more than once?" 

She looked him in the eye. "I don't think so," she mumbled as coolly as she could. 

He studied her a moment, then shook his head. "Thank you," he said and left. 

Glory watched him go. As Kathy came out of the kitchen, Glory grabbed her. "I hope I did that right." 

"What'd you say?" 

"Well, he seemed sure I should have seen him so I said he was here." 

Kathy let out a breath. "Did he seem suspicious?" 

"No," Glory replied. "I mean, a little at first, but he left without asking me anything else. Look, is there something I should know?" 

Kathy shrugged. "I'm going to take my lunch, ok?" 

"It's 10 am!" 

"I know," Kathy replied. "I'm taking it anyway." 

* * *

Curt shifted against Ray's body, slowly moving his lips away. "Mm. I could stay home from work all day."

Ray grinned and moved off Curt, resting his head on a pillow. Curt rolled to his side and watched Ray watching him. "You still haven't told me what you do." 

Curt sighed. "Well, mostly I listen to guys who know three chords play guitars for guys who have the vocal range of 8 notes." 

"What?" Ray asked. 

"I work in a recording studio." 

"Doing?" 

Curt cleared his throat. "I'm a producer." 

Ray sat up, his eyes wide. He looked around the place and furrowed his brow. "What do you really do?" 

Curt chuckled. "That's what I really do. I used to, ah, be in a band." He licked his lips. "Well, anyway, I now help produce records for the studio that stopped letting me sing. I don't want to get into it." 

"You must make real money doing that." 

"Most of the time." 

"You live here, though." 

"If I got a bigger place, I'd have to clean it and buy matching furniture," Curt responded. 

"Why the hell have I been paying for cab rides and - and you made me pay for dinner last night?" 

"Because I can." Curt started laughing at Ray's expression, but Ray was getting angry. "Listen, you never asked if I could afford a cab ride. Maybe if you had I wouldn't have taken the money out of your wallet." 

"My last two bucks that first night!" 

"You have money now," Curt argued. 

"Yeah, but only because I went and got some off my credit card. I'll have to pay it all back, you know. I can't believe you..." 

The urgent pounding on the door startled them both. Curt looked confused and climbed out of bed. He started across the room when Ray stopped him. "Shouldn't you put something on?" 

Curt shrugged, put on the nearest briefs, then went to the door while Ray rolled his eyes. He opened it and Kathy pushed her way inside breathlessly. 

"Kathy? What's going on?" Curt asked. 

"Good question," she asked Ray. "Cops came by the diner." 

"What?" Curt and Ray asked in unison. 

"Cops came by with a picture of you and a lot of questions." 

Ray rubbed his temple. "Shit." He paused. "Used the card there on Saturday. They must have gotten my statement." 

Kathy put her hands on her hips. "Well, what did you do?" 

Ray stiffened. "What did you tell them?" 

"I told them I saw you, but that I didn't know you. What did you do to make them come after you?" 

Curt watched with interest as Ray shook his head. "Nothing. Stella must have called." 

"Stella?" Kathy asked, then realized. "Oh, the fiance?" 

"Yeah," Ray responded. 

Kathy furrowed her brow. "You haven't called her yet? You mean, she doesn't know where you are?" 

"No." 

She took a step forward. "She's probably worried sick. I can't believe she doesn't know. Look, you'd better call her." 

Ray looked at Curt. "And tell her what?" he asked Kathy, then finally looked at her. "What am I supposed to say to her?" 

Kathy shrugged. "Jesus, at least let her know you're all right." She suddenly chuckled. "I was ready to come in here and make sure you hadn't killed Curt in some homicidal maniac rage. You know, this all could have been avoided if you'd just called your girlfriend." 

Ray sighed. "I can't talk to her." 

"Well, you'd better. Glory talked to them too, and she's the worst liar I've ever met. If you don't get this straightened out, they'll be back." 

Ray looked back at Curt. Curt could see something in Ray's eyes he interpreted as fear, so he waved to Kathy. "It's ok. We'll handle it." 

"What do I tell them if they come back?" 

Brushing his hands over his hair, Ray let out a breath. "Send them here," he said quietly. 

"Are you serious?" Curt asked. 

Ray nodded. "If they come back, I'll handle it." 

* * *

"I've been patient so far, but you can't fall into an empty shell every time we fuck, Ray," Curt said, aggravated as Ray rolled away from him. He put his hand on Ray's shoulder, but Ray pulled it away. "Fuck," Curt breathed. "Listen, I know you were confused when you got here and everything, but you're still here. It's been how many days?"

"Three," Ray murmured. 

"Since you moved in, anyway." 

Ray rolled onto his back. "Stella," he said breathily, but Curt stopped him. 

"Fuck Stella. I don't want to hear that name again." Curt sat up. "If you care, then go back to her. While you're here she doesn't exist. What do you think of her not existing?" 

Ray looked at Curt a while before shrugging. Curt put his hand on Ray's chest. "Don't act like you don't know. You do. What do you think?" 

Ray sat up slowly, shifting slightly against the pillows to pad himself from the recent sex. He chewed his tongue while fidgeting. "I guess it's - well, she's not here. Maybe if she was I'd feel differently." 

"Well, how do you feel about her not being here? Ray, you're content when we're in bed together, but five minutes later..." 

"I guess it's guilt. I made a commitment to her." 

"So what happens if you break the commitment?" Curt asked. 

Ray looked at him a moment, then let out a breath. "I could stay here for a long time and be happy," he admitted quietly. "I can lay here and imagine staying and it sounds a hell of a lot better than lying in bed with her and imagining." He scratched at his neck. "But you don't want that." 

"Doesn't matter what I want, Ray. You'd be happier doing the things we do, then you've got to do that. You can't go back to her just because that's what's expected." 

"I can, I just shouldn't." 

"No, you can't. If you do you'll end up miserable." 

Ray shrugged. 

"Trust me. You walk out the door of someone you love and into the arms of someone you don't and you'll end up miserable." 

Shaking his head, Ray moved to climb out of bed, but Curt grabbed his arm and pulled him back. "You don't have to love me. That's not what I'm looking for. You just have to know that you don't love her." Before Ray could respond, he leaned over Ray and kissed him. Ray shifted, moving his arm around Curt and kissing him back. 

The past few days had brought not only some clarity for Ray, but also great moments of ecstasy. His mind wandered several times to the fact that Curt had given him so much and what he could do in return, but he hadn't been able to. Curt's lips moved to his neck and Ray closed his eyes. Though he tried not to, he thought of Stella, of moving gently inside of her. Ray's hand brushed Curt's chest and he thought he might actually be able to get past the mental barrier, but suddenly his mind told him there was only one place he'd feel comfortable starting. It then quickly added that if he thought about it too long, he'd lose the confidence yet again so he suddenly pushed Curt back. 

Curt furrowed his brow, looking slightly frustrated until Ray moved onto his side, pushing himself to nearly sitting with one hand while reaching around to grab Curt's ass with his other. He massaged a moment, then took in a quick breath and guided Curt onto his stomach. 

Curt grinned slightly, taking in a deep, relaxing breath. He was ready to do anything Ray needed to get through this, anticipating excitedly the outcome. He could feel Ray hesitate a moment before moving his warm body completely over Curt, covering him. Curt felt lips barely brushing his shoulder, then Ray's breathing get shorter as he leaned against his ear. Curt felt Ray begin to tremble against him so he moved his hand back and gently touched Ray's thigh. "You don't have to be nervous," Curt breathed. 

Ray ran his arm over Curt's shoulder and across the shoulder blades, massaging back and forth. Curt still held Ray's thigh, but let his hand move to the back of it and pull him closer. Swallowing hard, Ray slid his hand down Curt's arm and grasped his hand. Together, they rubbed at his thigh as Curt felt Ray hard against him, but still uncertain in his actions. 

Patiently Curt waited while Ray let the smell of Curt's body drift into him. He closed his eyes and pictured Curt, his skin and all the kisses he'd given. He imagined himself holding and touching Curt the way he'd never held anyone, not even Stella. He shifted his hips harder against Curt and released the grip his hand had over Curt's before letting his fingers trace the outside of Curt's ass, then the inside until Ray touched him expectantly. His finger circled Curt's hole while Ray listened to the slow breathing and positioned his erection beside the finger. In he pushed just the finger as Curt pressed his hips back toward Ray and his muscles coaxed Ray's digit deeper. Ray licked his lips, surprised by the sensation and suddenly he was aware that his cock was leaking, expectant of the same pressure. 

Swiftly Ray removed his finger and immediately placed his tip against Curt, then let his hand rub Curt's spine as he pressed. He felt himself suddenly past the first muscles and the tightness enveloped him. Ray groaned slightly and brought his head back, suddenly needing cool fresh air to keep things from erupting too quickly. Running his hand up Curt's back, he then moved it around the side and flattened his hand over Curt's chest, pulling the body back against himself as he pushed himself further inside. 

Curt's hand moved up Ray's thigh and onto his hip, pulling him close as he pushed into each consecutive push. Ray was being gentle and for a moment, Curt thought it was nice that he was, but soon he needed more. He grabbed Ray hard and pushed against him fiercely. "Harder," he ordered. 

Ray pressed deeper, but still with slow, smooth movement. Curt dug his fingers into Ray's hip. "You're not fucking a woman," Curt grunted and it was then Ray realized he'd been moving the way he was used to. He'd never taken time to figure out what he wanted, only what she had wanted. Losing his beat, Ray gripped Curt's chest, steadied his other arm, then thrust as hard as he could against Curt. Moaning loudly, Curt's tone relaxed, encouraging Ray to shove in harder and faster. The actions did something to Ray he hadn't expected, his body growing tense and hot when his erection grew tighter in the confined space. Gritting his teeth, he kept working rhythmically, but slowing slightly when he felt Curt's hand leave his hip and move over the hand on his chest. As Curt's hand grasped his, it slid down his abdomen and Ray held his breath. He tried to slip his fingers from the grip, but Curt held him tight, guiding it down until Ray's hand was over Curt's cock. Curt closed his fingers around himself, but Ray's fingers remained limp as he found himself terrified of the flesh against his palm. 

Gradually Curt began to move his hand against himself, up and down the shaft until Ray leaned his head close to Curt's neck. Curt could feel the warm puffs of air on his neck, but didn't loosen his grip as he led Ray though the motions. 

Ray stared at Curt's neck and hair, feeling himself pumping Curt while his hand rested with Curt's on his erection. His head had told him to fear what was happening, but as he started to feel an intense connection, Ray's heart took over and he closed his hand firmly around Curt, still allowing him to lead the tugging action. 

Relaxing again, Ray kept moving into Curt, but as soon as his mind stopped obsessing, he realized how close he was to orgasm. The pressure surrounded him and came from within until he couldn't hold it any longer. Letting out an energetic moan, he came in Curt. Barely able to think, he couldn't hear Curt's quiet moaning, but as he felt himself pulsating into Curt, he slowed down and rested his body over him. Meanwhile, Curt's hand was guiding him into harder, faster pumps until Curt shuddered against him. Ray tore himself from Curt gently, but kept his body against Curt while Curt convulsed just as Ray felt something warm run over his fingers. 

Curt breathed loud, his voice humming slightly with a few of the breaths when he let go of Ray's hand. Ray didn't move the hand away, though. Instead he gently traced lines over Curt's penis, feeling the soft skin with his fingertips and letting his tongue lick the back of Curt's neck. They lay like that for several seconds until Ray suddenly moved over Curt, bit his neck, then rolled back. Curt turned to face him and smiled broadly. He felt an odd pride at the way he felt so he leaned toward Ray and kissed him gently, caressing his lips and putting his arm around Ray. 

Ray moved into the cuddle, shifting slightly to rest his hand on Curt's head. He wanted to move, but was far too spent, his body arguing each attempt to move with a shudder that kept him right where he was. 

Chapter 12  
Kathy saw the man step through the door and hurriedly picked up the plate and coffee mug. She was about to turn when she saw the man spot her, knowing immediately that she couldn't get away. He walked up to the counter and sat at a stool. 

"Hello," she greeted. 

"Hi," Matheson returned. 

She watched him examine her and the dishes she held before speaking. "More questions?" she asked. 

He nodded. "I wondered if the man I asked about has come back in." 

She shook her head, glancing across to see Glory taking an order. 

He grinned a little. "I also thought maybe you remembered more about him. Maybe he said where he was going." 

"No, we didn't talk much." 

"Well, the other waitress said he was your customer and you seem friendly enough. Are you sure you didn't talk to him about anything? Anything at all?" 

Kathy bit her lower lip, then let out a breath. "Ok, I didn't really talk to him," she said, trying to keep her lie sounding accurate. "I don't know anything about him, but I heard around that he might be friends with someone I know." 

"Who?" 

"Just someone," she said softly, then set down the plates. "Look, I don't want to make trouble, but I can tell you where he lives, ok? After that, you leave us alone." 

"You and the other waitress?" Matheson clarified. 

Kathy stared at him a moment, taking him in. "No." She paused. "I'll say again that I really don't know anything, but if you find him and he wants to be left alone, you'll do that, right? I mean, he's an adult and..." 

"He's simply a missing persons. If we determine that he's all right and staying where he is by his own free will, the only thing I can do legally is encourage him to contact the people who are worried about him." 

Kathy looked into his eyes and felt that he was being honest so she let out a breath and gave Matheson the address. Matheson smiled vaguely, took his information, and left. 

* * *

Ray laid over Curt, kissing him softly until the last muscles in his body relaxed and he felt Curt go limp. Shuffling beside him, Ray rested his arm over and brushed his fingers around Curt's chest. "I'm glad you came home early," Ray breathed.

Curt nodded. "Guess I just needed incentive," he responded. "You want to go to the diner to eat?" 

"Mm, in a little while," Ray responded, pulling the sheet over his arm which felt a sudden chill. 

Curt moved his arm over Ray and rubbed the shoulder. "You want to go to the club tonight?" 

Ray shrugged. 

"It's been a week," Curt observed. 

Ray sat up and looked at him. 

Curt shifted. "A week since you moved in. I'm thinking it's a good night to go out." 

"All right," Ray said. "After food. You worked up an appetite in me." 

Looking suggestive, Curt leaned toward Ray, but a knock at the door stopped him. "How the fuck does Kathy always know when we're in bed?" 

Ray chuckled. "Maybe because we mostly are," he responded. 

Curt grinned coyly and got out of bed. Halfway across the floor, Ray cleared his throat and Curt turned. He saw Ray wave to a pair of shorts and rolled his eyes. "You're a fucking prude," he commented. 

"Fine. If you don't care about what people think, then ignore me," Ray said fiercely. 

Curt chuckled. "I will! Besides, I keep telling you Kathy doesn't care. Hell, I think she prefers it this way." 

Ray shook his head and watched Curt go to the door. Curt swung it open without looking. "Kathy, you have a knack..." he stopped when the man in a suit shifted and Curt met his gaze. "Oh, sorry. Thought you were someone else. Can I help you?" 

"Name's Matheson," he introduced. "Are you Curt Wild?" 

Curt nodded. "What can I do for you?" 

"I'm looking for Ray Kowalski. Someone told me you might have some information..." Before he finished, Curt had stepped back and waved toward the bed. 

Curt then looked that direction and realized Ray wasn't there, but the bathroom door was closing. He furrowed his brow and walked to the door, tapping lightly. "Ray?" 

"Just a minute," Ray said as Curt listened to the loud rustling coming from the other side. A moment later, Ray swung the door open. Dressed in only pants, he cleared his throat and stepped toward Matheson, holding out a hand in greeting. 

Matheson took inventory of Ray's appearance, then glanced at Curt's naked and uninhibited form before putting his hands in his pockets and furrowing his brow at Ray. Ray dropped his offered hand and waited. "Ray Kowalski?" 

"Yes," Ray answered coldly. 

"I was... was contacted by a friend in Chicago. Apparently someone named Stella reported you as missing." 

Ray nodded. "Look, Detective. I can clear this up really quickly." 

Matheson raised his eyebrows, unsure whether or not he actually wanted to hear Ray's clarification. 

"I didn't tell Stella I was leaving. I didn't know I was going to leave, but I knew I had to get away. I'm here now. Maybe permanently." He glanced at Curt who was tight-lipped. "I don't know. Either way, it's not your business what I'm doing so I think you should just tell her I'm safe and that's it." 

Matheson sized him up again and shifted. "Maybe you should tell her yourself. A phone call..." 

"I'm not going to call her. Only way she'll know I'm not dead is if you get word back to her." 

"Ray, maybe you should call..." Curt began, but Ray gritted his teeth. 

"I'm not calling," he insisted. "Not yet, anyway." Rubbing his temple, he calmed himself. "Look, I don't need you following me around. I haven't committed any crimes and I'm not doing any harm, so consider this solved and move on." 

Matheson took his hands from his pockets. "You don't think she deserves to know the truth?" 

Ray turned to Curt. "There isn't much truth here," he said quietly, then walked to the door, holding his arm into the hall to indicate the detective's way out. 

Matheson watched him a moment, then took the lead. "Think about calling her or your parents - someone," he said. "You owe them that much." 

Ray shrugged. "I'll think about it," he said. 

Nodding, Matheson left. Ray pushed the door closed, leaned against it, and sighed dramatically. Curt moved up beside him and put an arm around him. "You ok?" 

Ray nodded, pushing himself from the door. "I want to shower before we head off to dinner," he said. 

"Want company?" Curt offered, curling one corner of his mouth into a grin. 

"Yeah, but no funny business," Ray said, hiding the smile he felt. 

Curt chuckled and the instant Ray turned his back, Curt jumped, throwing his arms around Ray's neck and his legs around Ray's waist. Ray had little choice except to hold him or topple over. He grabbed a leg and carried the warm body into the bathroom. 

Chapter 13  
The warm water ran over hot bodies as Ray pressed Curt's back against the wall and kissed him passionately. Curt's lips were feeling numb from how long this had been going on, but he liked the way it felt when Ray nibbled his lips and ran his hands all over Curt's body. 

Ray kept his eyes closed, taking in the feeling of the wet hands brushing over his back while he tried to soak everything out of Curt he possibly could. His hips pressed Curt against the tiles harder as his erection grew into the thigh. Ray could feel Curt hard on him which is why he was surprised when Curt pushed him away and smiled slightly before speaking. 

"Have you thought about what you're going to do after me, Ray?" Curt asked out of the blue. 

Ray blinked, not answering, but taking a step back and letting his arms fall to the sides. 

"I mean, you know this isn't going to last," Curt said. "Right?" 

"Yes," Ray replied. He knew, but part of him hoped he would never have to think about that. 

"So do you know what you'll do?" Curt asked. The truth was he'd wondered for days. Ever since that detective had come and told Ray to call Stella, but Ray had refused, Curt wondered if Ray planned to stay in New York, if he'd go back to Chicago searching for the perfect mate, or somewhere else altogether. He didn't know why he cared, he just knew he did. 

"I was trying not to think about it." 

"Yeah, but you should. I don't think you should go back to her," Curt said. 

"No, no. No way," Ray said. "I can't anyway." He paused. "Fuck," he breathed, then ran his hands over his hair, slicking it back. "Thinking and planning is what got me engaged to Stella and stuck in Chicago. It wasn't until I left there and stopped thinking that I found happiness." He touched Curt's arm as if deep in thought, then shrugged. "It's funny that it took all this, but I know something now I never knew before. I like myself, Curt. For the first time in my life, I like me." 

Curt reached up and touched Ray's jaw. "You're a good guy," he said. "I'm glad you figured that out." 

Ray nodded, then took a step closer to Curt, giving him a quick kiss. "I don't know what I'm going to do when I leave. I guess I won't think about it, but I know I'm not going back to Chicago and I'm not going back to her. Maybe someday I'll be ready to tell my parents, but until then, I don't think I can even talk to them." 

Curt nodded and held Ray's jaw more firmly, leaning in to give him a kiss. "I just wondered," he said softly before pressing his lips to Ray's again. 

Ray pressed Curt against the tile again and as his back hit, he jumped slightly since the tiles had already gotten cold again. Still, Ray didn't let up so he suffered until his skin warmed it and he could lean comfortably. As Ray's lips moved from his, he felt the aggressive nibble on his jaw and back to his ear. Curt let his head rest on the shower wall, the water making their bodies slick while every inch of Ray's body touched his. Chills ran down the length of his body while Ray kissed him, tonguing his flesh. Suddenly aware of Ray's hand, Curt's flesh anticipated each inch of it running down his body until Ray smoothly cupped his genitals and massaged his balls. He shifted as he hoped for Ray to grasp his cock, but Ray continued to rub him as his own body shifted beside Curt and he let his own erection brush Curt's hip. 

Finally, Ray moved his hand to Curt's side and coaxed him around, pulling his pelvis back to meet his. Curt sensed Ray as he hesitated, but a moment later, Ray ran his hands down Curt's arms, grasped his wrists, and brought them up over his head. He held the wrists against the tile and took a step closer, pressing his cock between Curt's buttocks. They stood like that for a moment before Ray brought Curt's hands together, holding both wrists in one hand as he brought his now free hand down to position himself. Curt didn't resist the grasp, but he noted Ray's hold was firm. 

Using the water as lubricant, Ray pushed smoothly inside, then moved his hand to hold Curt as he had been at first. Curt felt bruises starting on his wrists, but an instant later, he felt Ray thrust into him and the bondage style hold was forgotten. His cheek was cold against the cream tiles and he felt his skull against the hard surface when Ray drove himself deeper. Curt breathed roughly as Ray dropped his head forward. His face near Curt's back, Ray licked his lips and took in a deep breath, smelling the water as it mixed with both of them, the smell of sex drifting musty into his nostrils as he pumped into Curt as hard as he could. 

Curt felt his erection tightly looking for escape, but Ray wouldn't release his arms. Ray continued to fuck him hard, roughly throwing his entire body into each pump until Curt caught his breath. He groaned loudly as his muscles tensed, then convulsed as he splattered the wall with his cum. 

Ray felt Curt's muscles spasm against his cock which brought him closer to orgasm. He quickened his pace, thrusting harder and harder until he finally came himself, still holding Curt's wrists until he was completely spent. 

The steam rising from the shower puffed into the room and covered the mirrors. Ray stepped back and leaned on the wall, at first cringing from the coldness. Curt turned toward him breathlessly, moving on him and kissing him passionately for a few moments before reaching back to twist the showerhead so he could wash them both. Ray stood still as Curt washed his genitals, closing his eyes and taking in deep, satisfied breaths until Curt turned off the water. 

Pulling back the shower curtain, Curt reached for a towel. It was then that Ray opened his eyes. He tried to see himself in the mirror, but it was grey-white from the steam and he had trouble making out their silhouettes. He slicked back his hair again and stepped from the shower, his legs wobbling slightly as he took the towel Curt offered him. 

Opening the towel, Ray was about to wrap it around himself when he looked at Curt and let the urge guide him again. Dropping everything, he threw his arms around Curt, pushed him against the counter, and kissed him again, biting his lip and suckling Curt's tongue. Curt moaned as Ray backed off, each of them giving the other a grin while Ray picked the towel back up and dried himself. 

* * *

Stella wiped at the corners of her eyes as she slid the envelope beside the others in precise order. It had been almost four weeks since she'd last seen Ray.

The first week after talking to the detective, she'd spent in her own apartment, at school, or working. She avoided his place, believing somehow that if she didn't see the place, he wouldn't be gone. Unable to believe he'd actually told them he wasn't coming back, she pushed for details, but they wouldn't tell her much more. 

Once she realized that there was no way to deny his being gone any more, she was angry. She came to his apartment and threw everything around, angrily yelling at someone who wasn't there for leaving her. She was angry with the detectives for not bringing him back and her parents for driving him away. Right after that, she was mad at herself because she was sure she'd done something to lose him. 

Now she was cleaning the place by daylight because without the luxury of electricity, it was easier. The final notice from the power company lay beside the final notice from the phone company, though that hadn't been shut off yet. Beside that was a reminder from his landlord to pay rent. 

Stella wondered if she should pack his things or pay his rent, but it only made her angry again, upset that he hadn't contacted her or anyone to tell them what to do. She pushed back from the desk and sighed deeply. He was gone. Ray wasn't coming back to marry her or to get his things and that's just the way it was. She moved her feet to the door like they were made of lead and gave the place one more look over before locking it on her way out. 

* * *

Curt stepped up the last stair and sorted through the mail he'd carried from the ground floor. Junk mail and bills made him remember he had to be a fucking adult, which he hated more than life itself.

As he neared the door, he heard music. He froze a moment before proceeding. The song wafted into the hall and as Curt gritted his teeth, he threw the door open. "What the fuck are you doing?" 

Ray held an album in his hand, reading the back cover as he sat cross-legged on the floor. He turned his head. "What?" 

Curt crossed the room, tossing the mail into the air as he kicked the record player, stopping the record with a screech. "What the fuck are you doing? You touching my albums?" 

Ray furrowed his brow. "I found this box and Kathy let me borrow..." 

"They're not yours!" Curt yelled. 

Setting down the album he held, Ray started rising to his feet. "I'm sorry, I..." 

He was barely standing when Curt pushed him back. Angered, Ray firmed his stance and narrowed his eyes. Curt pushed him again. "Don't touch my fucking stuff!" he yelled. 

"I didn't think it'd be a problem," Ray countered. 

Curt kicked an album and stepped on another, both breaking from the actions. Ray looked at them sorrowfully. "What the fuck did you think you were doing?" Curt growled. 

Ray stepped back, looking at the album covers. "It's just... I used to listen to that stuff growing up. My friend and I..." 

"I don't give a shit what you and your friend listened to. Those were my albums. I don't have a record player for a fucking reason." 

Ray looked confused. "On purpose?" 

"Yes." 

"Then why do you have the records?" 

"Because I do," Curt snapped, squatting as he started to pile the albums together again, sighing when he realized what he'd done, breaking two. 

Ray was quiet a moment. He watched Curt stare at a cover for several seconds before he spoke quietly. "We loved that guy. Brian Slade was our god," Ray explained. "I just wanted to hear..." 

Curt dropped the album and stood. The look he gave Ray actually scared the younger man. An instant later, Curt turned and started toward the door. 

"Wait. Where are you going?" Ray asked. 

Without skipping a step, Curt swallowed. "Out." 

Ray watched the door slide closed before he ran to it and opened it. He chased Curt to the stairs and down a few steps before grabbing him. Curt turned, but his head was bowed so that his hair mostly covered his face. "What the fuck is this?" Ray asked. Curt didn't move as Ray quickly assessed the situation. They'd fought before, but Ray was always the one to close up. Curt pushed for more from Ray every time and he stuck around because it would end in a fabulous fuck, but now Curt wasn't just closing up, he was leaving. "Tell me," Ray insisted. 

Curt looked up and met Ray's gaze with one of pain and anger. "Brian Slade," he murmured. 

"What about him?" Ray pressed. "We were huge fans. Followed his career right up until the end." 

"Obviously," Curt sneered. 

"What?" Curt just stared. "What does that mean?" Ray said annoyed. "What do you mean by obviously?" He added, trying to get that mouth to open and tell him something. 

Curt finally pulled his arm from Ray's grasp. "You figure it out," Curt responded and ran down the steps. 

Chapter 14  
Ray went back into the apartment. He glanced at the albums on the floor, but left them and the player to fix later. Looking around, he feared touching anything now so he got himself a beer and sat on the edge of the bed. 

It got darker and Ray wondered if Curt was coming back. A knock at the door sent him to his feet hastily and he swung it open to find Kathy. She smiled. "Saw Curt at the club without you. He said you didn't feel like coming. You feeling ok?" 

Ray nodded. "He's at the club?" he asked. 

She furrowed her brow. "Yeah, you didn't know?" 

Scratching his neck, Ray turned back toward the apartment. "No." He walked to the chair and sat in it before waving to the record player. "Might be broken," he said. 

Kathy turned, saw it, and walked over to it. Squatting, she turned it right side up and started looking at the albums on the floor. 

"I've got a mystery for you," Ray said. 

She turned, still squatting. "Yeah?" 

"What's wrong with Curt?" 

She stood. "Do you mean in the general 'he's kind of fucked up' sense or something more specific?" 

"He freaked out because I was listening to his albums. I wasn't doing any harm. Just listening." 

Kathy let out a breath. "These albums?" she asked, motioning to the floor. Ray nodded. "You think he wants to listen to Brian Slade after everything that happened?" 

Ray shifted. "What happened?" 

Kathy blinked and moved to sit on the bed. "Not a fan of Brian's, huh?" 

"Yeah, sure I am. My friend and I listened to him all the time." 

She half smiled. "So it's Curt you're not a fan of?" 

Ray leaned forward. "Curt?" 

"Curt Wild?" 

"Yeah, Curt." 

"No, I mean, you never heard of Curt Wild?" 

Ray rubbed his temple. "I'm sleeping with him," he stated. 

Kathy shook her head. "No, I mean you never heard of him before you met him here?" 

"Should I have?" Ray asked, now feeling stupid. 

Scoffing, Kathy stood. She went to the albums and started sorting through. She took one from the bottom end of the stack and examined it a moment before bringing it back over to Ray. Passing it to him, she sat back on the mattress and watched him stare. 

"What am I looking at?" he asked finally. 

"Fuck, turn it over. Read the names," she said exasperated. 

Ray turned it over. "Which names? There are lots." 

"Read the names of the musicians," she responded coldly. 

Sighing, Ray read. It was only an instant before he looked up at her. "He fucking sang with Brian Slade?" he asked. 

"He fucking slept with Brian," Kathy replied. "He fucking did everything with Brian and when it ended, Curt thought he'd never be the same." She paused. "He probably wasn't. I don't know. I didn't know him back then, but I know you can't say that name." 

Ray leaned back. "Fuck," he breathed. "I told him Brian was our god." He put his hand over his eyes and started rubbing. "Jimmy was the fan. Jimmy was the guy who knew everything. I just listened to the shit with him. I didn't mean anything by it." 

"No one ever does." Kathy licked her lips. "Look," she paused and took in a deep breath. "You two lost the passion about ten minutes ago. Maybe it doesn't seem that long, but it's long enough. So why are you still here?" 

"What do you mean?" Ray asked. 

"You're still here, but there's no reason to stay if this was all for you to figure out who you are. You know now, don't you?" Ray nodded. "Then why are you here?" Kathy asked. 

"Because... because Curt hasn't asked me to leave." 

"Does he have to ask you? You knew from day one that when things got complicated, you were expected to go." She watched as Ray swallowed and looked down at his hands as he fidgeted. "You don't want to go." 

Ray shook his head. "Not yet," he replied quietly. 

"I don't think it's too late, Ray. I don't think it'll be over if you go find him. Tell him you're sorry." 

Ray looked up. "Over? You think he'd throw me out? Over this?" 

Kathy closed her eyes a moment, debating her next sentence before licking her lips and going for honesty. "You don't understand this thing between Curt and Brian. Over, yes over." She let out a breath. "Go. Talk to him. Tell him... tell him how you feel." 

Ray stood slowly. "I don't know how I feel." 

"If you're not ready for this to be over, then tell him anything you want. Just go." 

Pondering a moment first, Ray finally nodded and left. 

* * *

Curt zipped and buttoned his pants as he stepped from the bathroom stall. He didn't bother to tuck in his wrinkled tee as he moved to the sink and lit a cigarette. He threw his head back, side to side to move his hair from his face before he looked at himself. The grin he gave himself was one of secrets and lies, nefarious in its own way.

The man at the sink beside him finished washing his hands and grabbed a paper towel. Curt didn't look at him as the man, dressed in jeans and a black shirt watched him. "Maybe I'll see you in here again," the man said, adjusting his waistband. Still Curt didn't answer so the man huffed and left. 

Staring at his reflection as he smoked the cigarette down to the filter, Curt wasn't thinking of the cigarette, himself, or even that fuck he'd just had. As he stared at the reflection of a drunk man, he thought of Ray. He'd seen that when he'd given him that look, Ray had been worried for just a moment. Why? Why worry about someone who didn't matter? Curt turned his back to the reflection and closed his eyes, feeling the room spin. Leaning against the sink to keep his balance he knew he should have been thinking of Brian. Every time that name came up, it took him days to get past it. He was bothered that Ray had been listening to his albums, but mostly because of that voice. He heard that voice and those tunes he knew as well as his own and felt a razor cutting through him. 

He bowed his head and lit another cigarette. It was half gone when someone walked into the bathroom. He wondered if the stupid wanker had come back for another fuck, but figured if he didn't make eye contact, that the guy would take a hint and leave. When a pair of black motorcycle boots came into his vision on the tiny tiled floor, he blinked. Looking up, he met Ray's gaze just before pushing him away and taking a step sideways. He hadn't expected Ray to grab his arm so when he did, he stumbled before regaining his balance. 

"I'm sorry, Curt," Ray said. "I didn't know. Jimmy was the one all into it. I just listened to the songs," he tried to explain. 

Curt said nothing as he thought of the kids, the young men who listened to the music, showed up at concerts, and bothered him for autographs. The thrill of signing his name faded long ago, but the memories didn't. He took a long drag of his cigarette and stared. 

"You want me to leave. I'm not ready to go," Ray said, taking a step toward Curt. 

Curt didn't move. "Who said I wanted you to leave?" 

"I figured because of what I said - how mad you were," Ray explained. 

"Maybe," Curt breathed. "Maybe I wanted you to, but now that you're here..." His expression softened and he took in a breath as he rested a hand on his stomach. 

"What? I'll do anything - now that I'm here." 

Curt dropped his smoke into the sink before putting his hands on Ray's body and kissing him. It was cold and passionless, but it served his purpose, which was to show Ray who was in charge and who would make the decisions from here on out. He thought he'd said it well with his lips when he pulled away, but Ray grabbed him, pushed him against the sink he'd been leaning on when Ray came in, and kissed him hard. He ran his tongue over Curt's lip, then into his mouth, pressing it against Curt's tongue and putting his arms around Curt. 

Standing completely still, Curt closed his eyes and let Ray kiss his jaw, suck on it, then move to bite his neck. It was all right that Ray was making the move because Curt knew he was letting him. Ray started to work on Curt's pants as Curt dizzily braced himself on the sink beside him. He felt the air rush up from the floor and over his bare ass as Ray knelt before him, licking his cock, then taking it into his mouth. 

Flashing back to the beer bottle that first night, Curt felt a sucking tug on his hardening flesh before Ray took him completely into his mouth. He could feel Ray's tongue working furiously on his shaft while Ray moved his mouth along it. Every once in a while, he'd feel the light pressure of teeth on him, but he didn't feel any closer to climax. 

It was funny, really, Curt took the time to reflect. He'd walked into the club and drank beers until he knew he'd be drunk, then found a sucker to perform a cleansing ritual. They had come together into the bathroom where Curt encouraged the dark clad beast to fuck him with no fanfare. If he thought hard enough, he could use the act to cheat on Brian. Oddly after years and miles, he still felt like he was cheating, betraying Brian most of the time he was with other men. It didn't bother him that he barely felt any biological reaction in the stall and instead of trying for his own orgasm, Curt lit a cigarette while letting the guy finish. 

That cigarette butt still floated in the toilet, tossed aside when something started to bother him. He heard the guy moving, leaving the stall, and he found himself surprised because while he was able to convince himself to feel like he was cheating on Brian, he felt more like he had just betrayed Ray. 

And now Ray was sucking and tugging on his penis which was fully erect, but his mind wasn't playing into that. His eyes were closed because he was trying desperately to feel that betrayal toward Brian, but he couldn't, no matter how hard he tried. He blamed the alcohol, too many cigarettes, and the bathroom sink, but all at once, his knees felt weak and he started to slide. 

Immediately, Ray wrapped his arms around Curt's thighs and pressed his hands just under Curt's buttocks, supporting him as he worked. Curt swallowed at the sensations, suddenly feeling warm and unsteady as pressure centered at his groin. In the next moment, he felt ready to climax, but his head and his heart lurched. As he came, a lump formed in his throat. Patiently, he waited until Ray moved off him, then he fell to his knees, bent over, and buried his head in Ray's chest. "I'm sorry, Ray," he whispered so quietly that Ray couldn't hear it. 

"What?" Ray asked breathlessly. 

Curt sniffed and brought his lips to meet Ray's. Somehow between gasping breaths and kisses, Curt found room to speak again. "I'm sorry, Brian. I'm so fucking sorry," he managed before moving his lips to Ray's neck and kissing between nearly every word. "I wish I could take it all back. I wish we could both take it all back and start over, Goddammit! Wasn't I worth holding on to?" he said, then bent over and buried his head in Ray's chest again, suddenly sobbing while Ray put his arms around Curt, embracing him despite his confusion. Curt felt the arms around him and, for the first time, let go. 

Chapter 15  
Curt ran his finger back and forth across his lips as his head rested gently on the pillow. He was staring at the back of Ray's head as Ray lay on his stomach, sleeping heavily. He couldn't pinpoint what he was feeling as he watched him, but he knew he was feeling something. 

Lyrics started drifting through his mind. Years passed, but the voices were still there telling him to write, even when he didn't invite them, even when he wanted them to shut up. A line repeated over and over as he stared across Ray's back. He let out a soft breath and rolled over, searching across the floor until he found a pen. Opening it, he tested the felt tip with a dot on his hand, then shifted over Ray. 

He was the one who took my heart  
Made it hurt  
Swallowed my soul  
All consuming 

Dreaming that he had a spider crawling on him, Ray woke with a jerk. He then realized something was on his back and in the lingering sleep, he jumped away. Curt chuckled as Ray rolled onto his side and turned his head so he could see Curt. Shifting, he rubbed his eye. "What the fuck?" 

Curt moved his hand onto Ray's shoulder and drew a tiny smile. Ray looked at the pen. "What are you doing?" he asked. 

Shifting, Curt gently pressed on Ray's back. "Writing." 

Ray obeyed, moving back onto his stomach. "Writing what?" 

"Lyrics," he said. 

Taking in the information, Ray pondered before he responded. "Wouldn't that just be a poem?" 

"I hear the music in my head." 

"Oh." Ray lay there a moment, then felt the pen on his back again. 

Funny how you brought it back... 

"Are you going to read it to me?" Ray asked. 

"It's not finished." 

"When it's finished, will you?" 

"No." 

"Will you let me read it in the mirror?" 

"No," Curt replied softly. Ray was quiet again for a long time so he started writing again. 

...as though you knew... 

"Will you sing it to me?" 

Curt leaned close, kissing Ray's neck, then writing again. "No," he said as he wrote. 

...I'd forgotten how it felt  
but this can't be love 

"Why not?" 

Curt cleared his throat. "Why not what?" 

"Why won't you let me know what it says?" 

He looked at the words, read them again. The first line had haunted him, but the other lines spilled out unexpectedly. "You're not supposed to know what they say." 

"But it's on me." 

"Yes," Curt replied. 

"It's on my body." 

"That's the point." 

"And I'm not supposed to know what it says?" 

"No. The point is that I know what it says. You'll carry my message as far as I want it to go." 

Ray rolled over and looked Curt in the eye, curious. "How far do you want it to go?" 

Curt smiled vaguely. "I don't want it to be permanent. That's why I wrote it on you. Now you'll wash it off and it will be gone." 

"Before even I get to see it?" 

"Yes." Curt sighed. "Besides, they're words - just words. They don't mean anything." 

Ray looked confused, but Curt moved close to him, kissing him on the lips and making him forget. Ray put his arm around Curt and held him tightly. Holding the pen away, Curt ran his free hand down Ray's chest and kissed his neck gently, then moved back. Ray watched him, expecting him to get rid of the pen, but instead Curt pursed his lips and started drawing odd triangles on Ray's right arm. Ray watched him a moment, then furrowed his brow. "Now what are you doing?" 

"Drawing." 

"I see that. What are you drawing?" 

Curt finished and smiled proudly. "Spark plugs." 

Ray twisted to see his arm and the well-rendered Champion spark plug symbol on his arm. "Why did you draw that?" 

Curt shrugged and smiled. "Picture was in my head and I don't draw very well so you got the easy version." 

Ray chuckled. He rolled the rest of the way over, facing Curt as he brushed the hair back from Curt's face and smiled. Curt closed the pen and tossed it across the bed. He looked at Ray a long time before speaking. "I'm sorry." 

Moving to an elbow, Ray furrowed his brow. "For what?" 

Touching Ray's hair, Curt studied the man, then removed his hand to brush his own hair back, holding it there. 

"For last night?" Ray pushed. 

Curt shrugged vaguely. 

"I should be the one who's sorry," Ray said, moving over Curt as he took the hand he'd just brushed his hair with and holding it tight. "I'm the one," he whispered. He wanted to kiss Curt, but the way Curt looked away as he spoke made him feel unwelcome. Letting out a slow breath, Ray looked intent, speaking quietly as if the softer he said it, the less upsetting it would be. "I didn't know about Brian Slade," he said, realizing that something in the celebrity status made it weird for him to not speak his full name. He meant to say more, but immediately saw Curt's muscles tense at the name. 

Curt closed his eyes and listened. Ray was still holding his hand and neither of them moved until Curt opened his eyes. He took his hand away from Ray's grasp, then touched his chest. "I don't want to talk about it anymore." 

"Ok," Ray agreed, willing to not push the subject, willing to let it be forgotten. Curt was lost in thought as Ray watched him, realizing he was starting to care. He was angry that Brian had hurt Curt at any point, regardless of whatever may have happened. In his view, it had been all Brian's fault and Curt was the one in pain. Ray shifted closer to Curt. "Can I kiss you?" he asked quietly. 

Curt turned his head back to face Ray and nodded, smiling a little. When Ray kissed him, Curt put his hand behind Ray's head and held him there, kissing him back. He shifted under Ray and put his other hand on Ray's ear and let his jaw drop open, his tongue moving out into Ray's mouth. Ray accepted his tongue and nibbled it gently. Pushing his hand smoothly under the blanket, Ray put his hand over Curt's chest and shifted his weight also. 

Finally freeing his lips from Curt, Ray started to kiss Curt's chin, working his way down the neck where he bit some skin and licked the flesh as he held it between his teeth. Curt breathed loudly, moving his hands down onto Ray's back. Ray let go and let his tongue explore Curt's neck and shoulder, running a hand down Curt's side and tracing lines over his pelvis. He moved down to suckle Curt's nipple, Curt shivering as he felt it. Ray brushed his hand onto Curt's thigh and slid his hand beneath, rubbing smoothly into the muscles while he ran his tongue across to Curt's other nipple. He ran his tongue around it, shifting his body closer to Curt. Ray was swept up in the ecstasy, his body anticipating each move as he shifted down and tasted every inch of Curt, brushing tongue over the ripples of flesh and bone which hung smoothly on Curt. His ribcage stuck out when he took in a sharp breath and then felt Ray bite the skin there, closing lips around to suck it hard. 

Eventually, Ray moved down, licking around Curt's navel and running his hand under Curt's ass to rub until he slowly led a trail with his tongue down to the hard cock. Ray barely licked the tip, giving it one suck, then a nip before quickly moving his body back over Curt and kissing his lips. Curt moaned, digging his fingers into Ray as they kissed until he knew he couldn't wait any longer. He pushed Ray back, holding and rolling with him until he was on top. He moved to his knees and positioned them between Ray's legs. 

Curt lifted Ray's legs, placing the backs of the thighs against his chest as Ray lifted his lower back from the bed. Shifting forward, Curt positioned himself into Ray, pushing slightly. Ray groaned, his head pushing back into the pillows as Curt entered him. Curt held still a moment, then slid his knees closer to Ray, positioning them under Ray awkwardly, but then he leaned back slightly and held one of Ray's thighs, pushing in deeper. Ray shifted and a moment later, both were comfortable as Curt thrust his hips into Ray harder. 

Watching Ray's erection, Curt pumped again, his position not giving him room to maneuver touching Ray. Ray licked his lips, relaxing slightly against Curt until Curt thrust again, driving himself deeper and deeper until Ray's flesh turned pink. Ray supported himself with one hand and let his other hand slide down his stomach and onto his groin. As soon as Curt watched Ray grab himself, his heart jumped and he thrust again. He almost felt a voyeur as he watched Ray tugging on himself, but it just added to his stimulation and he let out a loud breath as he pushed into Ray again. 

Ray's skin was bursting as he tugged himself, letting his own weight push himself down onto Curt's thrusting cock. Every time Curt moved, Ray would stop breathing a moment, unable to take in oxygen with all the sensations running through him. He let out each breath with a moan until he felt on the verge of climax. There he stayed for several seconds, praying for the release of the great pressure. Finally, Curt shoved against him and he could feel Curt coming inside him, muscles pounding together. Ray squeezed himself and jerked his hand, groaning at the tension while Curt shifted out from where he was positioned. Ray's lower body fell limply to the bed, and he tugged again, his heart racing. Curt could see that Ray was experiencing stress as he pumped himself fiercely so he moved over Ray, gently moved his hand, and sucked the cock into his mouth. Curt took in the entire thing and swallowed. Ray felt the swallow from the tip of his penis to his toes and in one unexpected burst, he yelled out, gasping for breath as his body slowly moved from the orgasm into one of complete submission. Curt sucked Ray in, keeping the sensation going as long as he could before slowly taking his mouth from Ray. 

Ray gasped as he motioned to Curt, inviting him back up where he kissed him fervently until Curt pulled back and fell on the bed beside him. Curling into Ray's body, Curt stayed there while they both caught their breaths and savoured each other's company. 

After what could have been hours, Ray moved out of the bed, smiling coyly as he looked at Curt. Glancing at Ray's back, Curt remembered the lyrics and shook his head, shaking away cobwebs before he got out of bed. He took a few quick steps to get behind Ray as Ray entered the bathroom. Turning, Ray cranked his head to one side and tried to see the reflection of his back in the mirror. Curt moved behind him and put his arms around Ray. Ray chuckled. "Oh, come on. If it means nothing..." 

"It's just nonsense," Curt said. "Come on. Shower. Let me wash it off." 

Ray looked at Curt. "I just want to know what nonsense is in your head." 

Curt averted the conversation by kissing Ray hard and backing him toward the shower. He held Ray there, reaching past to turn on the water. "Please?" 

"Please?" Ray mocked. 

Curt smiled gently. "Please?" he repeated, his tone more of a beg now. 

Ray stepped backward into the water reluctantly. Curt climbed in with him and a moment later, he had the soap on Ray' back. Ray closed his eyes, enjoying the sensation of a massage with lather while Curt worked on him. He let out a soft moan and leaned against the wall. 

After quite a while, Curt put both his arms around Ray, handing him the soap. "Here," he said. 

"Oh, no full body massage?" Ray joked. 

Curt chuckled. "You just got one out there," he remarked. "Just how insatiable are you?" 

"Pretty relentless," Ray replied, taking the soap. "Got it all off?" 

Curt put his head on Ray's back and nodded. 

"Still not going to tell me what it said?" he asked. 

"No," Curt responded, then rubbed his hand on Ray's back. "You're soapy. I should have let you rinse off first." 

Ray finished cleaning himself, then kissed Curt once more before getting out and leaving the warm water to him. He dried off and left the bathroom. The basket of clean clothes was where Curt always left it so Ray tucked the corner of the towel under the side and wandered over. Slicking back his hair, he took out the pair of boxers and pulled them on. After he'd been there a day or two, he'd gone out to buy clothes, but Curt insisted it was a waste of money since they wore nearly the same things. Still, Ray had insisted on boxers since those briefs were uncomfortable - and not his. So once he had on a clean pair, he poked through to find pants and a shirt. 

He was putting on socks when Curt came out of the bathroom. He couldn't help stopping to look at the naked body as Curt passed before him and went to the basket. He loved that Curt could walk around completely naked without fear of what the people outside the large windows or a person knocking on the door might think. He sighed. 

Curt straightened and turned. "Problem?" 

"Nope," Ray said. "Want to go to the diner today?" 

Curt nodded. "Kathy will be impressed to see me out of bed so early on my day off." 

Chapter 16  
The regulars at the club were starting to call them a pair. They were greeted as "Hey, Curt and Ray" in one breath as though it was all one name. It wasn't the first time Curt had been given the middle name of 'and' with the last name of some man. Ray wasn't the first and he wouldn't be the last, Curt reminded himself. 'So why does it bother me to hear them say it now?' 

Kathy was a step behind and as she went to the bar, the other two separated and went to the dance floor. Ray had never danced with a man before, and he'd never danced like this. Stella thought dancing was ballroom dancing so he hadn't bothered to learn other moves. Over the past several weeks, however, Curt and Kathy had made him their pet project. 

Now, as they moved to the music, Ray pressed his body against Curt and just held him. It wasn't exactly what he'd been taught, he just wanted to hold him. 

Kathy turned from the bar and saw Ray and Curt moving together. She watched their bodies pressed together, Ray taking Curt's hand in his own as he moved his arm. Curt put his other arm around Ray and leaned in to say something. Ray laughed and Kathy found herself smiling at a joke she didn't even hear. 

The three danced all night, pacing their beers until the alcohol was cut off. After that they danced until the party died, then shared a cab. Kathy watched Curt and Ray holding hands in the cab, Ray's thumb stroking the back of Curt's hand until they pulled up outside Curt's building. She watched Ray climb out, then Curt leaned out. "Got cash?" Curt asked Ray. 

Kathy touched Curt's arm. "I'll pay the whole fare," she offered. 

Curt looked back at her and smiled. "Thanks," he said, climbing out. As soon as they were gone, she gave the cabbie her destination. 

Holding his hand until they were inside the loft, Curt used the grip to pull Ray against himself as soon as he closed the door. His other arm went around Ray, securing his body against his as he licked Ray's neck. 

Ray had expected a kiss on the lips, but when he didn't get it, he leaned his head back and savoured the tickling sensation. Curt tugged his fingers from Ray and looked at the body he was holding with the other arm. Ray saw him staring at the shirt. Before he had a chance to react, Curt grabbed at the collar, tugged it aside, and bit Ray's chest. 

Ray shuddered, a moment later hearing the fabric tear. He thought of the first night, faded by the booze he'd had then as much as what he had now, but the tearing was just as clear in his ears. Curt bit so hard that Ray jerked away, but was held too tightly to get free. Curt tore until he could reach his arm inside, the security of the fabric holding him to Ray adding to the pressure he felt within. He slid his hand to Ray's back and dug his nails in until Ray gave way under him and they both sank to the floor. 

The torn shirt came off first, Ray and Curt working together to get rid of it. As Curt took it and tossed it aside, Ray's hands went to Curt's pants and started unbuttoning, the desire making his fingers disobedient. Curt followed right behind, undoing Ray's pants and immediately thrusting his hand inside. Ray jerked Curt's pants down as far as he could without help, then lifted his pelvis as they both worked on getting Ray's pants off. After that, Curt finished kicking off his own pants as Ray took off Curt's shirt and sent a return bite into Curt's flesh. 

Curt gasped and moaned, his hair falling to tickle Ray's face, then Curt took Ray's mouth into his own and licked it furiously. He bit Ray's lip while Ray moved his hands down Curt's back. Slipping reluctantly from Ray's mouth, Curt moved down to lick Ray's neck again, biting near the jugular. Barely able to catch his breath, Ray grunted. 

Breathing heavily, Curt moved off Ray. He knew he had a bottle of sweet liquor on the floor near the kitchen so Curt started to crawl toward it. Ray flipped over and saw Curt moving away so he grabbed Curt, crawling up behind him, then throwing his body over the lower half of Curt's. Ray took in a loud breath and bit into Curt's ass, trying to slide up Curt's body. At the same time, Curt tried to reach the bottle, pulling himself across the floor by fingers. When he finally reached it, he twisted in Ray's grip and showed him what he had. Ray smiled a little and loosened his hold. He rolled back onto his back as Curt crawled back, putting one knee between Ray's thighs before opening the bottle. 

Pouring the thick liquid over them both, Ray chuckled, watching Curt rub his chest. Curt chuckled also, knowing this was from his past, his distant past - the one before Brian. He leaned back over Ray and hungrily licked the alcohol from Ray's body. His tongue traced his chest and abdomen until Curt felt Ray writhing beneath him. 

Wrapping his hand around Curt's erection, Ray started to press, touch, and tug. Curt tucked a lock of hair behind his ear, then reached down to take Ray's cock in his own hand. He pressed his pelvis against Ray, grinding their hands between them. Still, neither of them slowed their movement, they just massaged in the space they were left. 

Ray brought his pelvis up to Curt's then, the tension in his body overwhelming. The heat between them disguised the heat just before orgasm, but Ray still felt the tingling in his body before he released fluid between them. He gasped and moaned as Curt started to kiss his chest again, licking at it until he came himself, their fluids mixing together as they shifted against each other. 

Ray wrapped his weary arm over Curt's frame and held him tightly. Curt could feel Ray's muscles pulsating as he closed his eyes and the two relaxed their bodies into each other. Curt listened to Ray as his breathing became slow, deep, and peaceful. For a moment he thought Ray was asleep, but then Ray's voice gently whispered into his ear. "I love you, Curt." 

"I love you too," Curt said, his body immediately freezing in position. He realized the words he'd said and it made every nerve ending tingle, but not in a good way. Instead he swallowed hard and clenched his jaw. How could he say that? It wasn't true and now Ray wouldn't know any better. Bringing his hand up, he rubbed his face which felt suddenly warm. Until he fell asleep, he wondered what he was going to do. 

Chapter 17  
"Well, good morning, Ray," Kathy greeted. "I didn't really expect to see you in here alone this morning. 

"Curt had to work," Ray said, then shrugged. "I thought he didn't work weekends, but suddenly this morning he said he forgot he had something to do." He paused. "Think that's strange?" 

Kathy poured his coffee. "Not really. He's forgetting things all the time and I've known him to work some odd hours when he needs to get away." 

"Get away? From me?" 

She shrugged. "From everything. I wouldn't assume it's you." 

Ray sipped the coffee. "Well, anyway, last night was nice." 

"Club is always fun," she commented. 

Ray smiled. 

"Yeah, I know what you meant, but I wasn't there for that, remember?" 

Ray chuckled. "Well, it was interesting." 

"Good," she replied. "Keep it interesting. I'd like to see things last a while." 

Ray grinned and spoke into his cup, causing the slightest echo. "Me too," he breathed as she went off to take care of a customer. 

* * *

"I'm going to be here all night sorting out this mess," Curt said into the phone. "I'm sorry," he added, trying to sound sincere.

"Are you sure? All night?" Ray asked. 

Curt let out a breath. "Yes. The tracks are all mixed up and the recordings are messed up," he lied. 

"Are you sure I can't come help you?" Ray asked. "Maybe keep you company?" 

"Nope. Sorry," Curt responded. "Listen, if I don't get back to work, I'll never finish, ok? I'll see you at home later." 

"All right," Ray said. "I'll wait here for you." 

"Good. Who knows? Maybe I'll get home in time for us to do something," he said, giving Ray hope and a reason to stay in the apartment. "I'll call you later if I can, ok?" 

"Yeah," Ray replied. 

* * *

"Hey, I talked to Ray an hour ago. He said you guys weren't coming out tonight," Kathy observed as she drank a beer.

Curt drank his. "Well, Ray didn't feel like coming," he said. "I just told him I needed a night out." 

"Maybe I should go see how he's doing," Kathy offered. 

"No, no," Curt responded, grabbing her arm. "No, he said he wanted to rest. We stayed out too late last night." 

"You worked today. Why didn't he rest then?" 

Curt shrugged. "How did you know I worked?" 

"Ray came by the diner." 

"Oh. Well, he didn't mention that. I don't know. I went home and told him I wanted to go out and he said I should go so he could relax. Too much of a good thing, I guess," he said with a smile just before lighting a cigarette. "I'm going to go dance," Curt announced, leaving Kathy standing alone. 

* * *

Ray sat on the bed reading a magazine he'd found at the bottom of Curt's things. He listened in case Curt came to the door so he'd have time to hide it, but the stairwell was silent. He waited with the phone near the bed, but as it got later and he got tired, he pulled the blankets over himself and fell asleep.

* * *

Curt zipped his pants and nodded at the guy who winked as he walked back to the dance floor. Lighting another cigarette with his last, Curt took a puff and watched the people. He found himself looking down at them. 'Fools. Drones. They search around looking for love, but they don't have a fucking clue what it is. I do. I know. I had it and I lost it. Now I have to live without it,' he told himself.

Kathy moved up beside him, the look on his face concerning her. She hadn't ever seen that expression before, but she knew it wasn't good. She touched his arm. "Where'd you go? I was looking for you." 

Curt glanced at her, puffed the cigarette, then walked away. 

Chapter 18  
The next night, Curt took Ray to the club himself. They danced for an hour while Curt drank heavily. Ray felt the cigarette smell burning its way into his clothes. Normally, the cigarette here and there Curt had didn't bother him. He was inclined to have one at the clubs himself, but Curt had been smoking like a chimney since he got out of bed. 

"I'm going to get a drink," Curt announced. 

"Maybe you should cut back for a bit," Ray suggested. 

Curt looked at Ray and shrugged. "I'll cut back when I decide," he said, pushing past Ray. 

Watching Curt go, Ray knew he had to get to the bottom of this, to find out what was going on. He moved off the floor, waiting for Curt to finish at the bar. 

A man in suede pants and a blue sweater moved up to Ray. "Hi," he said, suggestively. Ray furrowed his brow when he took his eyes off Curt to meet the man's gaze. The man held out his hand. "My name's Stephen." 

Ray stared. 

"I was with Curt last night. Thought maybe that'd give us some common ground." 

"You work with Curt?" Ray asked. 

"No, I mean I was here with him. I noticed the two of you aren't together anymore and..." 

Ray shifted. "We're together," he said insistently. "And he wasn't here last night." 

"Fucked someone who looked just like him," Stephen said, laughing. "Hey, no biggie. The best get dumped by Curt. You've got the looks though. Shouldn't take you long to..."' 

"What the fuck are you talking about?" Ray asked, angrily. 

"I just saw you standing here and thought I could help you get over..." 

"There's nothing to get over. I don't know what you're talking about," Ray said, feeling his face get hot. He wanted to know that this guy was lying, but the truth was, part of him feared he was telling the truth. Pointing at the guy's chest, he continued in a rage. "He wasn't here last night. He and I are still together. You're fucking nuts." 

Stephen put a hand in one pocket. "I..." he got out before Ray's fist met his face and Stephen fell to the floor. Ray squatted over him, debating another punch before something called to him. Something inside asked where Curt was at this very moment and as he rose to his feet and turned, he found the spot at the bar empty. 

Ray walked through the crowd without hearing the sound around him or the calls from the people who had seen him punch Stephen. Searching only for Curt, he saw no other faces. He walked around to the bar, then back to the tables. He'd found Curt in the bathroom that night so he went there next. A man urinating nodded, but other than that, it was empty. Going back out to the club area, he went behind the tables to the booths. The corner created by the last booth was shifting in the shadows. 

His pace slowing, Ray crept up. As he neared, he stepped out of the light and his eyes adjusted to see the two figured in the darkness. Curt was behind another man, fucking him hard and grunting. Ray tried to pull his feet up, to leave as soon as he saw it, but it didn't happen before Curt looked up and saw him. At that moment, Ray expected some amount of regret, but that wasn't what he got. Curt just kept moving, looking at Ray. Finally managing to move, Ray turned and stormed past the booths and tables. 

Curt stopped when Ray walked away. He felt a piece of him going away, tugged from him, but he just stood there a moment. Willing himself to finish what he'd started, he realized it was a lost cause. Pulling out, he started to do up his pants. The man protested, but Curt grunted. "Fuck off," he growled as he brushed past the guy and went out of the club. 

* * *

Ray took a cab to the diner and walked inside. It was too late for Kathy to be working, but he hoped. He saw Glory instead.

"Hey," she greeted. Met with silence, she took a moment to see the distress on Ray's face. "What's up?" 

"I'm looking for Kathy. I came to say good bye." 

"She's not working," Glory said. "Good bye?" 

Ray nodded. 

"I know she'd want to talk to you. Let me give you her address." 

Ray nodded again and waited until Glory scribbled the numbers on her order pad. She tore the page and handed it to him. Ray got into a cab and rode to the address. 

Knocking on the door, he was eventually greeted by Kathy. Her smile faded as soon as she saw him. "Ray? How the hell did you find me?" 

"Glory gave me your address," he breathed. 

"Why are you here?" 

"I came to say good bye. You were nice to me, you tried to help me. I didn't think I could leave without telling you." 

Kathy blinked, grabbing his arm and pulling him inside. She guided him into a tiny living room where she let him lean against the wall. "Hey, Tony, scram," she said to the man on her couch. 

"What?" 

"I said scram," she repeated. 

Tony stood, picking keys up off the coffee table before brushing past them and leaving. Kathy waved to the couch. "Sit," she ordered. 

Ray obeyed, not sure what else to do. Kathy sat beside him. "What happened?" 

"I didn't mean to interrupt..." 

"Tony's an old friend. It's fine. So tell me." 

"I'm going home. I'm going back to Chicago." 

"Why?" Kathy pressed. Ray brushed back his hair and she wondered for a moment if that wetness in his eye meant he wanted to cry or if he had been crying. She leaned closer. "Ray?" 

"I'm going to marry Stella." 

"Why the hell would you do that?" Kathy asked, shocked. 

"Because I don't love her." He met her gaze. "Because even if I did, she'd never cheat on me. Because if she cheated on me, it wouldn't hurt." 

Kathy looked sympathetic. Curt had followed his usual tradition and cheated on Ray. It was a pattern by now. "Ray, I'm sorry." 

Ray sniffed, choking slightly. "I had to say good bye," he said softly, putting his hand on Kathy's knee. 

She took his hand. "Ray, Curt sometimes does stupid things. There's a story I heard that he..." 

"I just can't get hurt again," Ray breathed. 

"I know. I think..." she began, then realized Ray was leaning toward her, his lips far too close to hers. Shocked, she jumped to her feet. "Ray, don't be stupid." 

Ray stood. "I just want..." 

"Don't. You don't want me. You don't want Stella. Don't fool yourself." 

Ray met her gaze with sorrowful eyes, then moved past her. "I'm sorry," he said. "I have to go." 

"Ray, it's ok. You're upset..." 

"I have to go!" he said again as he opened the door and left. 

* * *

Kathy knocked on the door, pounding until it slid open. Curt stumbled as it moved, trying desperately to keep his balance. Kathy looked down to see him holding a bottle of gin and a cigarette in his other hand. He looked at her with a glazed expression as she walked inside and looked around. At least he was alone. She pushed the door closed and turned to him. "What happened?" she asked abruptly.

"Nothing," Curt said. 

"Something, obviously. Did you have to cheat on Ray? I told you to be nice. I told you not to break him." 

Curt stumbled to the chair and fell into it. "I didn't break him." 

"Sure as hell did, and just like I predicted, he's going back to the safe conservative life where he'll rot away like..." 

"He said he loved me." 

"So the fuck what? You hear that all the time and not just from the guys spending more than a night." 

Curt looked up, brushing back his hair. "I never said it back before." 

Kathy stiffened, staring unbelieving at Curt. She crossed the room and sank onto the mattress. "Did you mean it?" she asked. 

Curt swallowed, stared, then leaned back into the chair and drank from the bottle of gin like it was water, coughing as he came up. She reached out and grabbed his knee. "Did you mean it Curt? Do you love him?" 

Getting to his feet, Curt swung the bottle around. "What difference does it make? I cheated on him. He's gone. For good. It's just better." 

"Not if you love him. Curt, if you love him..." 

"No! I don't! I love Brian! I loved Brian! He walked off with my heart and I'll never have it back!" he yelled angrily, moving to the side of the room and kicking a few boxes before overturning the laundry basket. He threw the bottle at the window and it flew out, glass from the bottle and the window shattering together inside the room and into the street. He followed that by picking up a box and throwing it to the opposite wall. 

Kathy stayed on the bed, a safe distance as she rubbed her hands over her mouth. 

Epilogue - Repercussions  
Ray lay his head in Stella's lap, sobbing. "Please Stella. Please. I'm sorry," he begged. "You let me in. There must be some part of you willing to take me back." 

Stella touched his hair. "I shouldn't. I'm sorry, Ray, but you didn't call. I was worried sick and..." 

"I know. I know. I know. Believe me, if I could take it all back, I would," he insisted with such sincerity, she believed him. 

"Do you love me?" she asked. 

"More than anything, Stel. More than life itself. I'll never leave you again. I'll never hurt you, I promise." 

* * *

The night of Ray's bachelor party, he knew he was too drunk to be sitting in a tattoo parlor, but his friends thought it was a good idea. They went through the books and Ray considered getting Stella's name, but he mostly knew that would be a lie. He didn't want a permanent lie painted on his skin.

All at once, he thought of Curt. It burned in him and as he tried to forget, he thought of one of their last blissful moments. Pulling up his sleeve, he pointed to his arm. "Do like those spark plugs. I want it to look just like the symbol for Champion spark plugs." 

His friends tried to talk him out of it, but Ray was determined. 

The next day, he got married. He knew why he felt it was the day of a funeral, but occasionally he remembered to smile. 

He and Stella had decided not to sleep together again until the wedding night. Mostly it was Ray with the excuse that it would make it more beautiful. Instead, he found himself on his back in the early morning with Stella asleep and silent tears running down his face. 

* * *

It was two weeks before their fifth anniversary when Ray got the call from Jimmy's mom. They knew. They all knew and had known for well over a year, but it still hurt like hell to hear that he was gone. Out of his misery, done with the suffering, maybe, but he was gone.

Part of Ray's rage stemmed inside himself. Jimmy got AIDS. Ray worked in a job where they were well educated about the disease, but Ray still let years of wondering pass. The day they got news that Jimmy was gone, he hung up and turned to Stella. 

"We'll fly out to Seattle tomorrow," she offered. "I'll get time off from work and you can too." She stepped up to him and put an arm around him. "It's ok," she said. 

Ray leaned close and nodded as his head rested against hers. He reached around under her shoulder and up to wipe his mouth before stepping back. "I have to tell you something," he said softly, moving with her to sit on the couch. She looked concerned, expect to hear something upsetting about Jimmy. 

"What is it, Ray?" 

"I... I don't know how to tell you this." 

"Tell me what?" she asked. "You know we've always been able to tell each other everything." 

"Not this," he said, then cleared his throat. 

She furrowed her brow. "Start at the beginning." 

He shifted. "In the beginning, we were engaged. I got confused and angry and ... and I needed some last thing to tell me that this was the right decision." 

Stella felt it coming. He'd cheated on her and now the woman had shown up with a baby. Stella was sure of it. She'd toyed with that possibility ever since he returned, behaving like he had a secret. 

"So I fled to New York because it was the next flight out and I met... I met someone." 

'Yes, that's it exactly,' Stella thought. 

"I started to wonder what it would be like, I guess. I was curious. I ... I'm not sure I can explain why I let it happen, but I did." 

'Spit it out, Ray,' she willed with her mind. 

"And now. Now everything is out there and we're finding out that there's this epidemic and everyone's at risk, but back then... back then it was just one group and..." 

"What?" Stella asked, now confused. 

"I've been too afraid. Too afraid to admit it to you and too afraid to get tested." 

"Tested?" 

"And I put you at risk. We should both go. We should both go together because Jimmy is dead and I don't want to lose you, but I'm scared," Ray admitted softly. 

Stella blinked. "You cheated on me, but not with a woman?" she asked, astounded. 

Ray nodded. 

Standing, Stella grabbed her chest and started pacing. "I can't believe this. I can't believe what you're saying! You're saying I might have... have..." 

"AIDS, Stel, it has a name," he breathed. 

Moving back, Stella reached out and slapped him hard across the face. He knew he deserved it. 

* * *

That was the beginning of the end for them. Stella was so angry all the time after that and Ray felt he deserved it. Even though the tests came out negative, she scolded him for his stupidity. The day he got the divorce papers, he was far from surprised. He was depressed, but not shocked and he worked in the slump for two years before he was offered a new life undercover.

The End 

* * *

End Mangle Your Mind by Snowee:

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